IN MEMORY OF OUR KANDA'S LOVE OF AUTUMN
My dearest thank you to Rosemary,
her custom design of our
first
""KANDA""
ATUMUMN PIN
http://www.designsbyrosemary.com
http://www.rosemaryangels.com
""THE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES AND THE
HEARTACHE OF AUTUMN""
Season of bursting colorful change, as now I catch a
slight glimpse of tiny bits of color in the trees,
not fully, but a teasing color, a color
that will bloom into magnificent wonderment,
""THAT""
in which my daughter, Kanda, was purely mystified,
"AUTUMN,
HER FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR."
As the memories flood my mind,
all the years that have gone by and to our Kanda,
""AUTUMN""
was the beginning of school,
(orange and blue, our school colors)
football games, homecoming, store painted windows,
cheerleading, marching down the streets from the
Flora High School
to that familiar drum beat, we,
in the stands hearing the faint sound of the drums,
listening closely, quietly as it becomes louder and louder,
knowing in that one instant the band has approached
the football field, that drum beat, the clear, clean, brisk,
Autumn smell of the evening would seemingly explode and we,
the spectators, mom and dad, by then, chosen our bleacher seats,
we had,
anticipating a full evening of sport and entertainment,
but for me, Kanda's Mom, not quite fully ever
understanding the boring game of football,
my satisfying and enjoyment was watching
"My Kanda""
cheering, preforming with the Pom Pom Squad and
proudly playing her flute in the Flora, Illinois High School Band.
As I close my eyes, I can still see her, all a glow,
beautiful smile, so very much alive, jumping, clapping and cheering
loudly in unison with all the members and friends
of the cheerleading squad representing
""THE FLORA,
ILLINOIS HIGH SCHOOL.""
In my mind, remembering Kanda's responsibility of raising the
American Flag, each game but, for
"THAT"
one game,
"JUST THAT ONE GAME,"
as we stood, hand over our hearts, the band proudly playing our
National Anthem,
"NO"
American Flag to be seen, but we each stood
as though we could see the Flag, that was not there,
blowing in the cool breeze of the evening and
I immediately knew Kanda was in deep do do.
(crack the whip)
Remembering for sure if she had forgot to raise
the flag or had ask someone to raise the flag in her
place, and they did not come through
for her, I can't, too many years have passed,
but she took her butt chewing that which she knew belonged
only to her and moved on, a mistake we have never forgotten,
but as of
"""April 13th, 2004,"""
I often think back to that incident now,
in the present time, that empty
""Flag Pole,""
but in a completely different way, not one of punishment for
""OUR KANDA'S MISTAKE""
yes,
""IMPORTANCE OF OUR AMERICAN FLAG
RAISED ON THAT POLE WAS OF
THE GREATEST PRIORITY.""
"But how very unimportant the significance of the
American Fag being forgotten."
"ONLY THIS ONE TIME"
in comparison to ""Burying one's own child as
""WE NOW KNOW"" and have known since our lives
would change forever, the year of 2004."""
I close my tear filled eyes remembering all the fun times,
the long ago times, if only Kanda and I could go back again,
travel to Dix, Illinois to the Apple Orchard,
seeing the beauty of the colorful "MUMS,"
and naturally, Kanda would purchase every color.
If only, I could hug her, keep her close and
never, ever let her go, ""I WOULD "NEVER" LET HER GO.""
If only, if only, if only, I cry as I feel my heart bleed
as it bleeds everyday I live on without my daughter,
my best friend, ""MY KANDA.""
Kanda, in her adult years, with
"AUTUMN"
season slowing creeping in, as the last of August would go by,
her travels had begun, we, she and I,
on our journey, searching every craft show,
every town within a 60 mile radius,
and to her surprise, the unique, rare craft item,
at
"THE OLNEY, ILLINOIS CRAFT SHOW"
(always the last Saturday of September)
appeared right before
her eyes in September of 02, shortly after
purchasing her small home in Flora,
"OH MY, I REMEMBER," she was in "AWE" of this craft item,
but time was of the essence, and could she really afford the price?
Only one of these unique craft items remained for sale,
as it sat up in a chair,almost from a distance,
appearing to be human, but Kanda was on a budget.
If she bought the craft item, she could buy nothing else. Her
decision had to made and quickly, that she knew for sure,
because of the item's rarity, it would be bought
because the other items had already sold.
She walked away, but kept looking back, walking further away.
quickly turning around, walking briskly, almost in a run,
back from hence she had been and grabbed the only
old wooden carved craft lady, skinny
hanging legs with black Mary Jane shoes and socks,
adorned with an old fashion dress, a small decorative
Fall tin decorated flower pot with a handle connected
to the old gray haired lady's straw hat, this grand old lady,
who had toiled a lifetime, so it seemed.
Proudly Kanda carried her old woman, dangling,
swinging skinny legs with the Mary Jane shoes and socks,
""Attention,""
""WOW,""
did we draw the attention and Kanda ate it up,
I can hear her faint giggles and giggles
and wonderful laughter.
In her pursuit, she had found the rarest, the greatest majestic
""AUTUMN CRAFT ITEM""
of all.
Ideas quickly rolling through her head,
something unusually rare to arrange
for her old
""AUTUMN""
decorated wooden carved lady, orange and white mini lights,
"MORE THAN A POSSIBILITY,
pumpkins, Indian corn, falter stalks, already had she
decided previously to our leaving the craft show, but to my
disappointment, no photos were ever taken in
AUTUMN of 02 and 03.
The thought never occurred to me to capture her special
""AUTUMN"" creations of 02 and 03 and still,
""unbelievable to me, and our family,""
we no longer, as of 2004, have
""OUR KANDA.""
After April 13, 2004, her porch was never decorated again,
her
"UNIQUE COCA COLA"
home sold, and as we all live differently,
the once
"KANDA HAPPINESS HOUSE"
is no longer, not to ever be again.
Ideas, ideas, Kanda changed her old lady for
all the seasons except winter, and photos
""WERE" taken for the
"SPRING" old lady craft porch arrangement,
ACTUAL PHOTO OF KANDA'S SPRING ARRANGEMENT
(note the black Mary Jane shoes, socks and skinny legs)
but the
Spring decorations could not even
come close
to the extraordinary
"AUTUMN"
colorful decorations of 02 and 03.
"AUTUMN WAS HER SEASON AND
SHE WORKED ON HER DECORATIVE PORCH AND YARD
ARRANGEMENTS FOR
DAYS. IT HAD TO BE THE BEST, ALWAYS,
THE BEST SHE HAD EVER ACCOMPLISHED"
Cover Bridge Festival in Indiana, my decision to surprise
Kanda and buy our tickets for our seat on one of the two
buses that our
"ACTIVITY COMMITTEE"
at work arranges every year, we, planning to go every October
on a bus from the North American Lighting
Parking Lot, but 03 was the first year we went together on the bus,
and sadly would be the last, even though we were making plans to go in
04 as we relaxed in our comfortable bus seat traveling back to
Flora, Illinois from
The Indiana Covered Bridge Festival,
one important topic, saving more money for our
next trip was discussed in depth, a must,
more money would be needed for our trip in 04.
We had made our plans for October 04. Tired and worn out,
using our jackets, Kanda made a pillow and
laid her head on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully
as we made the miles back to Flora that Sunday evening in 03.
That trip was to be my last to The Covered Bridge Festival,
but how could that thought have ever entered my mind
and never could I have even foreseenI would no longer have my daughter sleep
on my shoulder again, wishing,now, I would have laid my head
next to her head during that last trip back
to Flora, that last trip we would spend together
as Kanda was notin my life the "AUTUMN OF 04"
As I now walk to my car on the parking lot
at NORTH AMERICAN LIGHTING,
I often think about where the buses were parked,
Kanda and I boarding and selecting our
seat, excited, gorgeous weather, the scenery absolutely beautiful,
""FALL COLOR AT IT'S FINEST, OUR ANTICIPATION OF BEING
TOGETHER, OUR FACES ALL A GLOW
AS WERE MANY ON THE BUSES THAT PARTICULAR
EARLY SUNDAY MORNING."
Buses loaded and all aboard, loudly chattering and
yelling to others, laughing, joking, cutting up,
we were, teasing each other about usingthe portable built in
potty in the small cubby holeto the rear of the bus,
we all holding off as long as possible before attempting the dreaded
deed of walking to that forbidden small nock labeled as
"RESTROOM,"
but whennature calls, we do what we have to do,
laughing all the way to and pure relief,
breathing easier and much better as we returned to
our seat.
"AUTUMN" is here again, the fourth, since My Kanda, my best friend,
"MY DAUGHTER"
left us.
My heart aches for the fun times, the searching
for the one rarest of all "Fall Craft Item,"
the laughing, the giggles,the wonderful feeling of
mother/daughter enjoying
life together, I, feeling so very lucky to have a
great relationship with my daughter,
but our great relationship was to be cut short,
I could not protect heras we Moms pray to protect our
children always.
I had given birth to her, my beautiful dark haired,
tiny baby girlnamed ""Kanda Michelle.""
Her special name
""KANDA,"" I had chosen when
I was a child, playing with a friend visiting
her grandparents in Floraduring the summer, her name,
""KANDA""
I never forgot that name and my daughter was
""KANDA""
FOR ALMOST 31 YEARS,
"STILL"
a one of a kind name, perfect name for
"MY DAUGHTER,
SHE WAS A ONE OF A KIND."
BUT what IS, IS, I can't go back.
Will my broken heart ever stop hurting?
How does my heart keep beating?
"KANDA IS IN MY HEART AND SHE KEEPS ME ALIVE,
NOT ONLY FOR ME, BUT FOR HER"
As I awake in the morning, it is now dark,
Fall is approaching, days are becoming shorter, my only
"PEACE" from my "GRIEF MONSTER"
is sleep, but then I awake, put my feet on the floor,
another day, a day that seems forever long,
before I can sleep, longing to have that
"PEACE TO SLEEP AGAIN AND AGAIN."
""A WONDERFUL PEACE,
I, ALWAYS PRAYING KANDA WILL COME TO
ME IN MY DREAMS.""
I do "THAT" which I have had to do, "THAT" which I have done, since the
evening of April 13th, 2004.
but I feel
"DEAD INSIDE, GOING THROUGH
THE MOTIONS OF LIFE,
AND NOT FEELING LIFE ANY MORE
THAN I HAVE TO FEEL,
SOMEHOW CUT OFF FROM THE WORLD.
I TRULY WANT TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN,
BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE ON
WITHOUT
MY KANDA."
I, a stranger, now only one child do I have in my life!
What is my answer when asked,
"HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?"
My answer, "Two, one in Heaven, one on Earth."
Fall, with all it's beauty, is also a time of
dying, (watch the tree) a sad time, going into
Winter, cold, miserable, the season Kanda did not like,
but still, she would arrange her
Christmas and Winter decorations that which I miss,
checking out all her new decorations, from year to year,
but now, as of the present time,
her craft items of many, are stored away,
I praying, maybe in the future I will find the strength
to go through them, hoping memories will not tear
my heart into more tiny pieces.
I surely hope I can, maybe!!!! I surely hope I can, maybe!!!!
SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY!!!!
BUT NOT NOW, BUT NOT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"LORD PLEASE GIVE ME
THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH MY
LIFE WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER
IN YOUR NAME"
In Memory of Kanda's Love of Autumn
Kanda's
LOVE OF AUTUMN)
Kanda Michelle Jacobs
5/24/73 - 4/13/04
September 2007