MY DAUGHTER, MY KANDA, MY BEST FRIEND (June 1, 2006)
It seems that lately all I can think about is your Cola Cola House, how you and I ran
the rubber off the tires of your car going everywhere looking for Coca Cola Collectibles
for the Doll House you brought in the Fall of 2002. We worked together so well, your ideas,
and choosing the Coca Cola materials I used to make your curtains. I do remember, though,
I was dragging my feet about making the curtains and your were really getting impatient with
me, so once I started the sewing, I finished all the curtains, pressed them and you and I proudly
hung them, which brought the Coca Cola theme together so well. KANDA'S COCA COLA HOUSE.
Oh how I wish I could drive up in your drive way, go into your back door as always and see your
Coke utility room, kitchen, dining room and bathroom. Now, I just close my eyes and remember,
hurt and cry, my longing for days gone by now over two years.
I know you would be proud, since your brother has built a house on the acre next to us, your Aunt Kay
and I used many of your Coke collections in Jerrin's kitchen and dinning area bringing those two areas
to life and giving our family the beauty and memories of you. as we look at so many items we remember
being in your home. I, your mother, especially remember while we were trying to figure out where to place
particular unique Coke items in Jerrin's home, exactly where they were displayed in your home. In the
beginning as we started working in Jerrin's home and were unpacking all the Coca Cola Collectibles, I
thought my heart would stop beating but as we kept going and unpacking, I felt a sense of peace as I
would know each time I entered your brother's home, I would again and again feel the warmth of MY KANDA
when I would see your Coca Cola Collection being displayed in Jerrin's kitchen and dinning room.
Of course, I have the memories of you and I running EVERY WHERE putting your Coke Collections together.
We had so much fun and your giggles, you had the greatest giggles I had ever heard. I can still hear YOUR
GIGGLES AND LAUGHTER. I feel your spirit around me all the time, my beautiful Kanda and my hearts aches
SOMETIMES SO BADLY, I wonder why we couldn't just trade places so you could live a longer life here on earth as
I feel you were cheated, we all were cheated.
While I am having this conversation with you, even though I know you can't converse with me, why do I never
dream of you, only twice in two years and those dreams were so blurred in my mind, I could barely remember
them, one being YOU WERE IN CUT OFF SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS AND I WAS INTRODUCING YOU AS MY
DAUGHTER, BUT TO WHOM I DID NOT REMEMBER. This dream is basically all I have and I want you to
come to me in my dreams so much, that I sleep in your bedroom once in awhile. I feel so relaxed and sleep so
well, knowing you spent many years in that room. I just feel you are still in that room even though you had not
lived at home for years.
Sometimes at work as I am typing on the my computer and answering the phone, I feel I can see a shadow
to my right and out of the corner of my eye. I keep turning my head to look, but no one is there. You used to
walk up to my window about 4:00 pm and say, "HI MOM." and I guess I still see you at times when I ache so
badly for just a glimpse of your face. As the song by Mercy Me goes, I CLOSE MY EYES
AND SEE YOUR FACE.
I can't find "ME" since I have lost you, MY KANDA. I never would have imagined ME WITHOUT YOU so
I guess I just do not know who I am. I wonder if I will ever find myself without you in my life. I know "ME" will
certainly never be the same as when you were my EARTHLY DAUGHTER, but who will I become in years
to come as I live without you. You see, a part of "ME" is gone with you, MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL KANDA, that
which will always be, never to change. I have to become another "ME" and I am just not ready to let you go yet
in order to find who I am.
I do feel so blessed to have had YOU, MY KANDA, in which I had an amazing strong MOTHER-DAUGHTER
bond. I will always treasure that bond we shared. I WAS SO VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE HAD YOU,
MY KANDA, MY DAUGHTER, MY BEST FRIEND.
MY HUGS AND LOVE ARE WITHIN ME EVERY DAY REACHING OUT TO YOU, MY SWEETHEART.
LOVE WILL NEVER DIE BETWEEN US, KANDA, NEVER.
MY HUGS, KANDA
LOVE YOU FOREVER