IN LOVING MEMORY  OF
KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS

May 24, 1973 - April 13, 2004

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Oct 2009 (THE ANNUAL APPLE FEST)

In Memory of Autumn Past

and 

In Memory of our Daughter and Sister,

 

Kanda Michelle Jacobs

5/24/73 - 4/13/04

 

Written by Mom, Dianna Jacobs

 

 

""THE ANNUAL APPLE FEST""

 

We enjoyed The Dix Annual Apple Fest of 2008

and our dear relatives joined us to celebrate.

 

This year is the fifth Autumn since our daughter left us,

and we will be forever heart broken, I must confess.

 

We made our Fall Plans well in advance.

We prayed all would go well and if by chance.

 

The Autumn colors, fresh apples, pumpkins we might enjoy,

because grieving had overcome us since April 2004.

 

Our grandchildren loved the exciting spooky maize.

It seemed quite warm from the hot sun rays.

 

They quickly figured out the maize's direction

and would run here and there without hesitation.

 

The color of orange adorned the huge pumpkin patch.

Each pumpkin was unique as though it had hatched.

 

Children carefully walked through the long rows

as cock-a-burs would stubbornly stick to their clothes.

 

The kids took much time in making their choice

and then they yelled loudly in a high pitched voice.

 

They would pull and tug the pumpkin with all their might,

As we watched, it was truly a ""Delightful Autumn Sight.""

 

Great music is relaxing and always opens the doors,

as adults and children cut loose, their laughter did soar.

 

Autumn was our daughter's favorite season of the year.

She arrived early at Hawkins-Schwartz Orchard since she did fear.

 

The gorgeous Fall Colored Mums would quickly sell.

She wanted a huge selection, then take her time just to dwell.

 

As we enjoyed the delicious Apple Crisp with ice cream,

we watched  the little tots roll their pumpkins and scream.

 

What a great time, yet sadly our late daughter would come to mind.

Her love of Autumn, years gone by, many memories we would always find.

 

The weather so beautiful, absolutely perfect from the start,

but this day we will remember and forever carry in our hearts.

 

For Photo Gallery, click below

http://www.kandamjacobs.com/apps/photos/album?albumid=6111412

 

 

Oct 2008 (HALLOWEEN OF THE PAST)

""Halloween of the Past""

 

I remember going Trick or Treating every night of the week,

when the month of October was in the beginning of it's peak.

 

We frantically searched our parents' closet, their most personal unmentionable drawers,

in the hopes of finding old hats, suit jackets, well, anything we thought

might be of use, with the excitement of possibly finding more.

 

The most guarded secret, a previous discovery, our mothersÂ’ sexy nylon stockings would tightly stretch down over our heads and horribly distort our faces,

and even though we had difficulty talking, seeing, oh well, our identities would leave no traces.

 

The late 50's, early 60's, those were the best of the best Halloween times,

and even an occasional ""Old Time Outhouse,"" still, we could find.

 

With my mention of an "Old Outhouse," mischievous deeds do not at all  apply to us.

Our parents, on the other hand, turned over operational outhouses, back in the 20's and the 30's,

but of course, those were only stories and never did they confess.

 

Then our parents forbid our removal of the single bathroom toilet paper,

so we would sneak out bars of soap with that familiar Life Boy invigorating vapor.

 

We were somewhat naughty brats at Halloween time,

running all the small city streets like organized partners in crime.

 

We laughed and giggled through out the dark and scary night,

until, out of the darkness, some older boys scared us,

BOO, BOO,  they were all dressed in white.

 

We already knew, by our many years of Trick or Treating, the very best locations for scrumptious homemade treats.

We quickly ran as fast as we could, to be the first, to the well known

homes on many familiar streets.

 

We packed in candy, homemade popcorn balls, cookies, and occasionally, even a little loose change,

and never, never to fear our loot was given by anyone deranged.

 

We immediately gobbled our fresh goodies since we already knew,the store bought candy,few coins and miscellaneous goods should,

more than last until Christmas, as our parents made it very clear, it certainly would.

 

I often think back to those great long ago Trick or Treating times,

comparing it to now, when we have to inspect every piece of candy, even a single dime.

 

I burned the midnight oil designing a few costumes for my two kids,

but, to my surprise, still they wanted to buy the popular costumes instead.

 

During the 70's, 80's, Trick or Treating had changed in our small town,

I walked, the designated scheduled night and time, with my 2 kids as they went down one block and then back around.

 

During the month of October, a special fond memory will always come to mind,

when my late daughter,took first place in the Halloween Parade, wearing proudly the Strawberry Shortcake costume I had carefully designed.

 

If only I could turn back the hands of time for just awhile,

to be with my son and late daughter, experience Trick or Treating,

and again see their young faces, both with a big smile.

 

Of course, Trick or Treating with my kids was not

always so much fun.

The bickering, my daughter accidentally, so she said, stepped on her brotherÂ’s extra long tails of his

Black Velvet Dracula Cape, WOW, the fighting had just begun.

 

Living without our daughter, the change of seasons, never to be the same.

Even as an adult, she loved Halloween and the Trick or Treating Game.

 

I am saddened as my grown son and I select a particular "SAFE" street,

so his kids, my gorgeous grandchildren, can safely Trick or Treat.

 

But my memories still go back to that long ago Halloween,

Trick or Treating, in the 50's, 60's, now that I think about it, we really were not all that mean.

 

We, as kids, had never heard the term, street drugs, now common drugs of today.

We only knew about the white pills, Aspirin, Anacin, that would take our parents' headaches away.

 

As I reminisce back to Halloween, the candle lit Jack O Lanterns and frosty chill in the air.

I miss my daughter so much and losing her, still, is so very unfair.

 

The colorful beauty of Autumn was her favorite time of year.

I can't help, as Summer moves into Autumn, but cry for her, a river of tears.

 

I truly had difficulty pulling together 4 generations, 

 the 20's and 30's, the 50's and 60's,

my own kids' fun of the 70's, 80's,

then lastly, my

grandchildren of the 2,000's, these times of Halloween's

 Trick or Treat,

but memories of long ago years prepared the way for me, this poem now complete.

In Memory of Halloween Past

and

In Memory of Kanda Michelle Jacobs

Written by Dianna Jacobs

2008

5/24/73 - 4/13/04

OUR KANDA MICHELLE SMILE (THANKSGIVING)

While searching through photos, this lovely face melted

our hearts as it seemed to flow gently down

 from heaven right before our eyes.

 What a beautiful surprise as it was so out of

 character for Kanda who rarely posed

 for a snap shot, whether it be by

herself or with a group.

 OH HOW WE LOVE THAT:

 BEAUTIFUL KANDA SMILE!!!!!!

KANDA AUTUMN ANGEL PIN

IN MEMORY OF OUR KANDA'S LOVE OF AUTUMN

 

My dearest thank you to Rosemary,

her custom design of our

first

""KANDA""

ATUMUMN PIN

http://www.designsbyrosemary.com

http://www.rosemaryangels.com

 

""THE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES AND THE

HEARTACHE OF AUTUMN""

 

Season of bursting colorful change, as now I catch a

slight glimpse of tiny bits of color in the trees,

 not fully, but a teasing color, a color

that will bloom into magnificent wonderment,

 

 ""THAT""

in which my daughter, Kanda, was purely mystified,

"AUTUMN,

HER FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR."

As the memories flood my mind,

all the years that have gone by and to our Kanda,

""AUTUMN""

 was the beginning of school,

(orange and blue, our school colors)

football games, homecoming, store painted windows,

cheerleading, marching down the streets from the

Flora High School

                                                                              to that familiar drum beat, we,

 in the stands hearing the faint sound of the drums,

listening closely, quietly as it becomes louder and louder,

knowing in that one instant the band has approached

the football field, that drum beat, the clear, clean, brisk,

Autumn smell of the evening would seemingly explode and we,

 the spectators, mom and dad, by then, chosen our bleacher seats,

we had,

      anticipating a full evening of sport and entertainment,

 but for me, Kanda's Mom, not quite fully ever

understanding the boring game of football,

my satisfying and enjoyment was watching

 "My Kanda""

cheering, preforming with the Pom Pom Squad and

proudly playing her flute in the Flora, Illinois High School Band.

 

As I close my eyes, I can still see her,  all a glow,

 beautiful smile, so very much alive, jumping, clapping and cheering

 loudly in unison with all the members and friends

of the cheerleading squad representing

""THE FLORA,

ILLINOIS HIGH SCHOOL.""

 

In my mind, remembering Kanda's responsibility of raising the

American Flag, each game but, for

"THAT"

one game,

"JUST THAT ONE GAME,"

as we stood, hand over our hearts, the band proudly playing our

National Anthem,

"NO"

American Flag to be seen, but we each stood

as though we could see the Flag, that was not there,

blowing in the cool breeze of the evening and

 I immediately knew Kanda was in deep do do.

(crack the whip)

 

Remembering for sure if she had forgot to raise

the flag or had ask someone to raise the flag in her

place, and they did not come through

for her, I can't, too many years have passed,

but she took her butt chewing that which she knew belonged

 only to her and moved on, a mistake we have never forgotten,

but as of

"""April 13th, 2004,"""

I often think back to that incident now,

in the present time, that empty

""Flag Pole,""

but in a completely different way, not one of punishment for

""OUR KANDA'S MISTAKE""

yes,

""IMPORTANCE OF OUR AMERICAN FLAG

RAISED ON THAT POLE WAS OF

THE GREATEST PRIORITY.""

 

"But how very unimportant the significance of the

American Fag being forgotten."

 "ONLY THIS ONE TIME"

in comparison to ""Burying one's own child as

""WE NOW KNOW"" and have known since our lives

would change forever, the year of 2004."""

 

I close my tear filled eyes remembering  all the fun times,

the long ago times, if only Kanda and I could go back again,

 travel to Dix, Illinois to the Apple Orchard,

 seeing the beauty of the colorful "MUMS,"

 and naturally, Kanda would purchase every color.

 

 If only, I could hug her, keep her close and

never, ever let her go, ""I WOULD "NEVER" LET HER GO.""

 

If only,  if only,  if only, I cry as I feel my heart bleed

as it bleeds everyday I live on without my daughter,

 my best friend, ""MY KANDA.""

 

Kanda, in her adult years, with

"AUTUMN"

season slowing creeping in, as the last of August would go by,

 her travels had begun, we, she and I,

on our journey, searching every craft show,

every town within a 60 mile radius,

and to her surprise, the unique, rare craft item,

at

 "THE OLNEY, ILLINOIS CRAFT SHOW"

 (always the last Saturday of September)

appeared right before

 her eyes in September of 02, shortly after

purchasing her small home in Flora,

"OH MY, I REMEMBER," she was in "AWE" of this craft item,

but time was of the essence, and could she really afford the price?

Only one of these unique craft items remained  for sale,

as it sat up in a chair,almost from a distance,

 appearing to be human, but Kanda was on a budget.

If she bought the craft item, she could buy nothing else. Her

decision had to made and quickly, that she knew for sure,

because of the item's rarity, it would be bought

because the other items had already sold.

 

She walked away, but kept looking back, walking further away.

quickly turning around, walking briskly, almost in a run,

back from hence she had been and grabbed the only

old wooden carved craft lady, skinny

hanging legs with black Mary Jane shoes and socks,

 adorned with an old fashion dress, a small decorative

Fall tin decorated flower pot with a handle connected

to the old gray haired lady's straw hat, this grand old lady,

who had toiled a lifetime, so it seemed.

 

Proudly Kanda carried her old woman, dangling,

swinging skinny legs with the Mary Jane shoes and socks,

""Attention,""

 ""WOW,""

did we draw the attention and Kanda ate it up,

I can hear her faint giggles and giggles

and wonderful laughter.

 

In her pursuit, she had found the rarest, the greatest majestic

""AUTUMN CRAFT ITEM""

of all.

 

Ideas quickly rolling through her head,

something unusually rare to arrange

for her old

""AUTUMN""

decorated wooden carved lady, orange and white mini lights,

"MORE THAN A POSSIBILITY,

 pumpkins, Indian corn, falter stalks, already had she

decided previously to our leaving the craft show, but to my

disappointment, no photos were ever taken in

AUTUMN of 02 and 03.

The thought never occurred to me to capture her special

""AUTUMN"" creations of 02 and 03 and still,

 ""unbelievable to me, and our family,""

we no longer, as of 2004, have

 ""OUR KANDA.""

 

After April 13, 2004, her porch was never decorated again,

 her

"UNIQUE COCA COLA"

home sold, and as we all live differently,

 the once

"KANDA HAPPINESS HOUSE"

is no longer, not to ever be again.

 

Ideas, ideas, Kanda changed her old lady for

all the seasons except winter, and photos

""WERE" taken for the 

"SPRING" old lady craft porch arrangement,

ACTUAL PHOTO OF KANDA'S SPRING ARRANGEMENT

(note the black Mary Jane shoes, socks and skinny legs)

but the

Spring decorations could not even

 come close

to the extraordinary

"AUTUMN"

colorful decorations of 02 and 03.

 

"AUTUMN WAS HER SEASON AND

SHE WORKED ON HER DECORATIVE PORCH AND YARD 

ARRANGEMENTS FOR

DAYS. IT HAD TO BE THE BEST, ALWAYS,

THE BEST SHE HAD EVER ACCOMPLISHED"

 

Cover Bridge Festival in Indiana, my decision to surprise

Kanda and buy our tickets for our seat on one of the two

buses that our

"ACTIVITY COMMITTEE"

at work arranges every year, we, planning to go every October

on a bus from the North American Lighting

Parking Lot, but 03 was the first year we went together on the bus,

and sadly would be the last, even though we were making plans to go in

04 as we relaxed in our comfortable bus seat traveling back to

Flora, Illinois  from

The Indiana Covered Bridge Festival,

one important topic, saving more money for our

next trip was discussed in depth, a must,

more money would be needed for our trip in 04.

 

We had made our plans for October 04.  Tired and worn out,

using our jackets, Kanda made a pillow and

laid her head on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully

as we made the miles back  to Flora that Sunday evening in 03.

That trip was to be my last to The Covered Bridge Festival,

but how could that thought have ever entered my mind

and never could I have even foreseenI would no longer have my daughter sleep

 on my shoulder again, wishing,now, I would have laid my head

next to her head during that last trip back

to Flora, that last trip we would spend together

as Kanda was notin my life the "AUTUMN OF 04"

 

As I now walk to my car on the parking lot

at NORTH AMERICAN LIGHTING,

I often think about where the buses were parked,

Kanda and I boarding and selecting our

seat, excited, gorgeous weather, the scenery absolutely beautiful,

 

""FALL COLOR AT IT'S FINEST, OUR ANTICIPATION OF BEING

TOGETHER, OUR FACES ALL A GLOW

AS WERE MANY ON THE BUSES THAT PARTICULAR

EARLY SUNDAY MORNING."

 

Buses loaded and all aboard, loudly chattering and

yelling to others, laughing, joking, cutting up,

we were, teasing each other about usingthe portable built in

potty in the small cubby holeto the rear of the bus,

we all holding off as long as possible before attempting the dreaded

deed of walking to that forbidden small nock labeled as

 "RESTROOM,"

but whennature calls, we do what we have to do,

 laughing all the way to and pure relief,

breathing easier and much better as we returned to

our seat.

 

"AUTUMN" is here again, the fourth, since My Kanda, my best friend,

"MY DAUGHTER"

left us.

My heart aches for the fun times, the searching

for the one rarest of all "Fall Craft Item,"

the laughing, the giggles,the wonderful feeling of

mother/daughter enjoying

life together, I, feeling so very lucky to have a

great relationship with my daughter,

but our great relationship was to be cut short,

 

I could not protect heras we Moms pray to protect our

children always.

I had given birth to her, my beautiful dark haired,

 tiny baby girlnamed ""Kanda Michelle.""

Her special name

""KANDA,"" I had chosen when

I was a child, playing with a friend visiting

 her grandparents in Floraduring the summer, her name,

""KANDA""

 

I never forgot that name and my daughter was

""KANDA""

FOR ALMOST 31 YEARS,

 "STILL"

a one of a kind name, perfect name for

"MY DAUGHTER,

 SHE WAS A ONE OF A KIND."

BUT what IS, IS, I can't go back.

 

Will my broken heart ever stop hurting?

 

How does my heart keep beating?

 

"KANDA IS IN MY HEART AND SHE KEEPS ME ALIVE,

NOT ONLY FOR ME, BUT FOR HER"

 

As I awake in the morning, it is now dark,

Fall is approaching, days are becoming shorter, my only

"PEACE" from my "GRIEF MONSTER"

is sleep, but then I awake, put my feet on the floor,

 another day, a day that seems forever long,

before I can sleep, longing to have that

 

 "PEACE TO SLEEP AGAIN AND AGAIN."

""A WONDERFUL PEACE,

 

 I, ALWAYS PRAYING KANDA WILL COME TO

ME IN MY  DREAMS.""

 

I do "THAT" which I have had to do, "THAT" which I have done, since the

evening of April 13th, 2004.

but I feel

"DEAD INSIDE, GOING THROUGH

THE MOTIONS OF LIFE,

AND NOT FEELING LIFE ANY MORE

 THAN I HAVE TO FEEL,

 SOMEHOW CUT OFF FROM THE WORLD.

I TRULY WANT TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN,

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE  ON

WITHOUT

MY KANDA."

 

I, a stranger, now only one child do I have in my life!

What is my answer when asked,

"HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?"

My answer, "Two, one in Heaven, one on Earth."

 

Fall, with all it's beauty, is also a time of

dying, (watch the tree) a sad time, going into

Winter, cold, miserable, the season Kanda did not like,

but still, she would arrange her

Christmas and Winter decorations that which I miss,

checking out all her new decorations, from year to year,

but now, as of the present time,

her craft items of many, are stored away,

I praying, maybe in the future I will find the strength

to go through them, hoping memories will not tear

my heart into more tiny pieces.

 

I surely hope I can, maybe!!!! I surely hope I can, maybe!!!!

SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY!!!!

BUT NOT NOW, BUT NOT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

"LORD PLEASE GIVE ME

THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH MY

LIFE WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER

 IN YOUR NAME"

In Memory of Kanda's Love of Autumn

 

(the above artclip is perfect for

Kanda's

LOVE OF AUTUMN)

Kanda Michelle Jacobs

5/24/73 - 4/13/04

September 2007

 

In Memory of Autumn Past

and 

In Memory of our Daughter and Sister,

 

Kanda Michelle Jacobs

5/24/73 - 4/13/04

 

Written by Mom, Dianna Jacobs

 

 

""THE ANNUAL APPLE FEST""

 

We enjoyed The Dix Annual Apple Fest of 2008

and our dear relatives joined us to celebrate.

 

This year is the fifth Autumn since our daughter left us,

and we will be forever heart broken, I must confess.

 

We made our Fall Plans well in advance.

We prayed all would go well and if by chance.

 

The Autumn colors, fresh apples, pumpkins we might enjoy,

because grieving had overcome us since April 2004.

 

Our grandchildren loved the exciting spooky maize.

It seemed quite warm from the hot sun rays.

 

They quickly figured out the maize's direction

and would run here and there without hesitation.

 

The color of orange adorned the huge pumpkin patch.

Each pumpkin was unique as though it had hatched.

 

Children carefully walked through the long rows

as cock-a-burs would stubbornly stick to their clothes.

 

The kids took much time in making their choice

and then they yelled loudly in a high pitched voice.

 

They would pull and tug the pumpkin with all their might,

As we watched, it was truly a ""Delightful Autumn Sight.""

 

Great music is relaxing and always opens the doors,

as adults and children cut loose, their laughter did soar.

 

Autumn was our daughter's favorite season of the year.

She arrived early at Hawkins-Schwartz Orchard since she did fear.

 

The gorgeous Fall Colored Mums would quickly sell.

She wanted a huge selection, then take her time just to dwell.

 

As we enjoyed the delicious Apple Crisp with ice cream,

we watched  the little tots roll their pumpkins and scream.

 

What a great time, yet sadly our late daughter would come to mind.

Her love of Autumn, years gone by, many memories we would always find.

 

The weather so beautiful, absolutely perfect from the start,

but this day we will remember and forever carry in our hearts.

 

For Photo Gallery, click below

http://www.kandamjacobs.com/apps/photos/album?albumid=6111412

 

 

THE WARMTH OF AUTUMN 2008


The Warmth of Autumn

by Mom

August 2008

How can August be here again? 

The fifth August I've seen since then.

School Bells will be ringing soon.

Night sky revealing a large full moon.

Warm memories are bursting forth.

Anticipation of Autumn, well, of course

 Chilliness of Autumn soon to be here.

 Approaching more quickly every year.

Traditional Dix Apple Fest and,

 a pumpkin patch adventure planned.

 

Trick or Treating, I still remember when.

(Jerrin Kanda)

My 2 young children hauled the candy in.

Cheerleaders, Band and Football Games,

(Senior Football Night 1990)

the announcer reading off their names.

 Wiener roasts with wood smoke in the air.

Hay rides going down the road, to where?

 Fall Bath and Body Products at the Mall.

Our enjoyment of smelling them all.

The warmth of Autumn brings memories of you

 I face this fifth Autumn, somewhat, anew.

 My plans made well in advance.

Guests invited and if by chance.

An annual Autumn Apple Fest to attend.

But, still, the fear of remembering when.

Your car loaded with pumpkins galore

and every color mum and then more.

The warmth of Autumn, the colorful leaves

 But I, Kanda's Mom, will forever grieve.

In Memory of My Daughter, My Best Friend

My Kanda Angel

5/24/73 - 4/13/04