MY PRECIOUS MEMORIES OF YOU, KANDA
A MOTHER'S PRECIOUS MEMORIES
My Kanda, Oh, how I have missed you!
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, seeing your face so clearly with your beautiful smile and
I can always hear your giggles. I pray Dear Lord to please grant me this precious gift I have of always
hearing your giggles to the very day I leave this earth. What a precious legacy you left for me, YOUR
GIGGLES.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, when your head crowned as I watched your birth on May 24,
1973 at
haired 6 pound l ounce baby girl. I was so amazed at your tiny little finger nails as your hands and feet
were so exceptionally small even into adulthood. Clipping your finger nails the very first time, I nearly
fainted. At only 18 inches long, you had a beautiful full face with a head full of dark hair and you knew,
for sure, how to cry. You, being my first baby, in some ways scared me as I was over whelmed with all
the responsibility of this tiny bundle of joy I had given birth to. Mothers are just supposed to know how to
care for a baby, but did I know for sure, I kept asking myself. I soon learned after a few baths and
feedings and cuddling you, it was as natural as if it had always been even though it had just begun.
Maybe that is why when I lost you, I lost a part of myself. When your life ended, part of my life ended
because you were a part of me.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, watching you at 4 years old standing outside the Flora
Hospital window as I stood holding your newborn baby brother, Jerrin in my arms for your to see. Since
you and I had not been apart often, you kept hugging yourself as if my arms were around you. I believe
you stood up on the visitor's bench and Grandma Helen held you so you would not fall as you wanted to
be up as high as you could to see your new brother and Mommy. You wore a dark flowered laced trimmed
sun dress with sandals as it was late August and hot. I amaze myself that I remember so much detail, but
I never drive by the old hospital, especially now, that I do not see you in that dress at 4 years old with your
short arms wrapped around yourself looking up at that window where I stood so very many years ago.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, as I can see so clearly the day you came dragging into the
house after you had ran to your car for something and fell, bursting out the seat and one leg of your jeans.
You said it blew out and burned your skin. When I took one look at your jeans and your face, I just lost it.
I could not help it and I could not stop laughing. I knew you had burned your butt and leg and still I just could
not get straightened up. One side of your jeans was like a skirt and the other still had a skin tight leg attached.
I remembered telling you it was no wonder you heard an explosion since your body was so compacted into
your jeans. The minute you hit the ground, even the double stitched jean seam did not hold that kind of
pressure. I don't believe you ever did think it was so funny and you were kind of peeved at me for laughing.
I wish I had snapped a picture of that incident, especially your jeans and the expression on your face.
I am sure the weather was cold and that is why your leg burned because you ran outside without a coat.
You may have even slipped on ice as I can't remember.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, when you started calling me Hag, Haggie, Hagster, Hagatha.
You even thought I should get Hagster as personalized license plates. Haggie was a common name you
called me when you were in high school and I will never forget when you first started calling me those names.
We were out shopping in Effingham and the names just came popping out of your mouth, one after another
and by the time we got home you were rolling in the floor using every name you could come up with starting
with Hag. I remember telling you I hoped you were having a good time and you said you were. You were
laughing so hard you were crying and I started laughing also just watching you. From then on, it was just
common for you to call me one of your Hag names and I never thought anything of it, but if others heard it,
many thought it was very disrespectful. I will never forget the year you worked at the DQ in Flora and
surprised me by putting HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAG on the DQ sign. Somebody thought is said HAPPY
BIRTHDAY HOG and when they found it was for your mother, regardless whether it said HOG OR HAG,
they did not think that was very nice of you to put something like that on a sign for me.. You and I just giggled
and giggled over that one. Of course, nobody knew how much fun we had with those names and I now wish
I had put a HAGSTER license plate on my car as you suggested those many years ago. It was THAT BOND
between us. I can still hear you in your younger years calling me on the phone and saying "HI HAGGIE" I just
expected you to call me that name back then, but as you grew into adulthood, you called me MOM and for some
reason stopped calling me Haggie. I do not remember when it stopped and never thought about it until NOW.
Funny how time changes things and you don't even notice for years or until a NIGHTMARE happens that which
happened when we lost you.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, watching Ashley as she polishes her nails with her child nail polish.
She always has to have polished finger nails and toe nails just like Aunt Kanda. She flips around and cheers,
reminding us of you back so many years ago. Ashley has now started tumbling and is enjoying it so much.
She can't wait until she can go back from week to week.
I close my eyes and reminisce, the evening we were at Dukes and we had just finished eating, carrying our tray
to dispose of our trash and just as I picked up the tray, you decided to do a cart wheel and your feet flipped up
hitting my tray sending it sailing into the air, trash flying everywhere. Boy oh boy, were you in lots of trouble. We
were all picking up the trash, you especially!!!!! And oh, my memory that comes back so often is when you were
trying to teach Ashley the cheer Steady Eddie, Your Team Ain't Even Ready. Ashley was not very old at
the time but she was having a ball repeating everything you said. I thought than of all the fun you would have
with her as she grew up, teaching her cheers and flips, never would I have given a thought that you would not
be with us, Kanda. It just seems so unfair. Ashley even flips back her head as she talks back to her dad,
Grandpa and me, just as you used to do. We always say how you would get a bang out of watching Ashley
in action because she is surely " A MINI KANDA"
And Aaron has always cherished the bunny you gave him just before you left us. That bunny is so very special
as he will always remember you better than Ashley because he is older. Because Aaron could see so much
sadness in me, he worried about me and he would rub and lay his head on my arm telling me he was glad I
was not so sad anymore. I tried never to cry around him but he sensed my sadness having to live on without my
little girl, the little girl I raised into a beautiful young woman who became my best friend. How lucky I was to have
you, Kanda, as my daughter and oh how I wish I had told you HOW I FELT instead of just assuming you knew.
Deep down I know you knew how much I loved you and how proud I was of you, but I should have told you.
Aaron, I do believe will always remember staying with you and he thought you were so very special. He was
not sure he could speak of you for a long time until I assured him that we would always speak of you and never
let you go. I think you will always remain in Aaron's heart even into his adulthood as you left very fond memories
for him and he loved you dearly. YOU LEFT A LEGACY OF SUCH GREAT MEMORIES FOR YOUR NEPHEW
AND NIECE, AARON AND ASHLEY. And I do believe Aaron will always keep that gift you gave to him just a few
days before you left us, THAT SPECIAL BROWN BOY BUNNY RABBIT IN BLUE JEANS. And since Ashley was
so young, I am going to put her SPECIAL GIRL WHITE BUNNY RABBIT WITH THE FLOWERED DRESS away
and someday tell both Aaron and Ashley about our last shopping trip together. Maybe, in years to come I can
share those memories without the tears but I can't imagine ever thinking of you without the TEARS at this date
and time, December of 2005.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, the day we were shopping in Effingham Wal Mart, 2004 and you
picked the Girl and Boy Bunny Rabbits for Aaron and Ashley. You also filled an Easter Basket to donate to
the Activity Committee. I think back to that day quite often as it was only a few days after and you slipped away
from us. It was our last shopping trip together. I can still remember as we picked through all the bunnies
searching for just a certain type of rabbit and you finally found them. You found a tin Easter Bucket and we
gathered all kinds of goodies that any child would like and over filled the bucket to surprise some boy or girl.
What a nice memory to have as we worked together on that Easter Basket and searched for just the right bunnies.
LORD. PLEASE GIVE ME THIS MEMORY UNTIL I LEAVE THIS EARTH BECAUSE IT IS A VERY SPECIAL
MEMORY OF DAUGHTER AND MOTHER HAVING FUN TOGETHER FOR THE LAST TIME AND DOING
WHAT WE LIKED TO DO BEST, SHOPPING AND GIVING.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, our trip I planned to The Covered Bridge Festival in
of 2003. I bought the tickets for you and me to go on one of the buses provided by the Activity Committee.
Although I really preferred
thankful we went together and had a good time. I remember we made plans to go again in the Fall of 2004,
but you were not with us in 2004 and when the notices were posted for the Covered Bridge Festival in 2004, I
could barely look at The Covered Bridge picture on top of each notice posted down the hallway. I remembered
that picture as being a fun time and it was no longer a fun time because I no longer had you in my life. I have just
made up my mind that I will never go back to The Covered Bridge Festival, never. It just reminds me too much of
you and your favorite time of year, FALL. One good memory I do have is coming home from
and you fell asleep laying your head on my shoulder just like a child. It was unusual for you to lay on me but we
were on a crowded bus and you were uncomfortable so you used my jacket as a pillow on my shoulder and slept.
I PRAY LORD TO ALWAYS GRANT ME THIS VERY SPECIAL MEMORY UNTIL THE DAY I LEAVE THIS EARTH.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, as I can still see you coming through the lobby doors at NAL on the 12th of
April, 2004 with a change of hair color. You came into my office and stood to the left side of me with your big grin and ask
me what I thought of your hair. You were so happy and just bouncing. How could you have slipped away on the afternoon
of the 13th of April? That short conversation you and I had concerning your hair color was the last time I talked with you,
but I did stop by your house on my lunch hour on the 13th, didn't stay long but noticed you were sleeping peacefully. I can
still see your face as I peaked in on you that day and I always wondered why you couldn't have had a seizure while I was
there at that particular time, but that is foolish thinking because there is no answer. Many very crazy thoughts go through
my head at times, for sure. It is just the grief of losing you, my first born child, MY BEAUTIFUL KANDA.
We are now going into our second Christmas since we lost you and the pain some days is just unbearable. Being without
you this year seems more real than last year, maybe we were still in shock since Christmas fell only 8 months after you left
us. Now we have lived on for 20 months without you and each month we realize for sure we have really lost you. Grief is
so strange in what it can do to a parent's sanity. Sometimes we just go day by day as if everything is normal and all of a
sudden the wind is knocked out of us, especially me, I think because you and I had THAT SPECIAL BOND, A MOTHER-
DAUGHTER SPECIAL BOND.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, remembering the first Christmas of 1976, the year we moved back to
from
home but over 200 miles south of where we had lived previously. Our home was the very same home, but looking out
our windows was a bit strange as we were in a complete different area, small town, houses all around us instead of
mobile homes as was where we had moved from. You were not quite 3 years old, but soon to turn three May 24th of that
year and I was sewing at that time, making Halloween costumes and I decided to make you a Christmas dress. I
wish I still had your red and green dress matched up with green knee socks and red shoes. That year of 1976, your
cousins, Shari and Jimmy Norton were in a musical play at the
to take place. They wanted you to come so we made sure there would be a gift under the tree for you also, but the
most amazing thing happened after the play and the musical was over, you begged to sing in front of a packed church
and without hesitation, permission was granted. You sang " Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer." I was just in awe.
Some of the words you used were "gleam" instead of "glee," but you knew this story all too well because we had
told it so many times, if only we had taken pictures to capture THAT spectacular moment. Also, since we lost
July 6th, 2005, her 41th birthday, I truly wish I would have had pictures to have added here, but when you were 3 years and
Shari was 12 years, we would have never given thought that we would lose both of you within 15 months apart and at such
young ages. It would have been unthinkable. But as long as I still have a clear mind I will always be able to see you
standing before that packed
and red singing your heart out with that beautiful grin on your face, that same beautiful smile you still had as a young lady.
OH, MEMORIES, AREN'T THEY WONDERFUL? I CAN CLOSE MY EYES AND GO ANYWHERE I WANT WITH YOU.
PLEASE, LORD, GRANT ME MY MEMORIES UNTIL I LEAVE THIS EARTH. RIGHT NOW I CRY BUT SOME DAY MY
MEMORIES WILL BRING SMILES AND LAUGHS AND EVEN GIGGLES, LIKE YOUR GIGGLES, MY KANDA GIGGLES.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, as I think so much about the times that your cousin
to Minooka in the summer and visit when your were a baby and toddler. She, being 9 years older, was just like a little
mother to you and had so much fun staying with us. Since we didn't come to Flora that often, we certainly enjoyed
visits. I had not returned back to work so
ago though and where did the years go? When we moved back to Flora,
we knew it, you were marching in the Flora Band and wow all of you were grown up.
a grandson and I remember when your 30th birthday came around, you made it perfectly clear you wanted NO BIG DEAL
MADE OF IT. There was just something about 30 that bothered you and I have often thought about that because you never
got the chance to turn 31, missing it by 5 weeks when you left us. Oh how the years flew by so quickly and what I would
give to be able to relive them again. ONLY A PARENT WHO HAS LOST A CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND MY
LAST STATEMENT, JUST TO HAVE THAT CHANCE AGAIN WOULD BE LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, the years I have sat in this very chair at NAL, the last day before shut down
for Christmas break and here I sit again at 4:15PM on December 23rd of 2005. This year is only the second year I have
sat in this very chair on the last day before shut down, knowing I will be going through my second Christmas without you,
my Kanda. As I have sat here today, I have thought about our many Christmas shopping trips over the years and did we
have fun as you were always digging for more and more new decorations each year. You were really into decorating for
every season and anything new that came out you just had to have it and display it. Now when I walk through the seasonal
items
I always think about all that you left and I would never have to buy
anything for any season at all as you had left plenty
and a variety of everything. Oh, Kanda, I miss you so much and I sometimes do not even feel like I live on this earth with
everyone else since you are no longer here with me. Sometimes I still think to myself that I can't wait to tell you something
and than I remember that is not possible and it hurts so badly. Christmas is very difficult this year as your Grandma Helen
has had another heart attack and Uncle Jim is slipping away from us now also, a tough Christmas, for sure. But I do remember
some nice Christmas times, as was the year we bought you and Jerrin the new bicycles and the year Carol Wood managed
to get one of Cabbage Patch Dolls for you which was just short of a miracle since shoppers were practically stomping one
another to grab the last doll on the shelf. I know your Cabbage Patch Doll is still in the original box but I have not packed all
your boxes into Jerrin's basement yet so I have not seen it. I want to see it again to bring back that special memory of the
surprised look of your face when you unwrapped it. Of course, we are without
that we have neither of you this year of 2005 at Christmas and will not have Uncle Jim by the New Year as he is so very ill and
slipping away each day. But all of you are spending your Christmas in Heaven and that is the way we have to look at it from this
earth, even if it still breaks our hearts. We love you KANDA AND
have gone before you, our grandparents,aunties and uncles, friends and many who have passed on since both of you have
left us. WE WILL ALL BE UNITED IN GLORY SOMEDAY AND WHAT A DAY IT WILL BE.
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, as I drive around town remembering growing up in Flora as a child and going to
the theater on a Saturday afternoon or sometimes in an evening. I remember your dad and I dropping you and Jerrin at the
Flora theater to see the movie BAMBI. You both had really never been left on your own, so to go to the theater, just the two of you
was so exciting. When we picked you up though, you both were upset because Bambi's mother had died, but Bambi survived
just fine and eventually everything was alright again as you talked so much about Bambi and steered away from what happened
to Bambi's mother. I think you and Jerrin centered on the good memories of the movie and blocked out the bad. But I can still
see both of you coming out of the theater doors after the movie was over with so much sadness on your faces and you could
not wait to tell your dad and me what happened to Bambi's mother. What great memories I have and I can just shut my eyes
and reminisce from time to time and bring all the good memories back. OH, WHAT GREAT MEMORIES, WHAT GREAT
MEMORIES!!!! It is the Memories that keeps our family alive and going on from day to day, month to month and now going
into the second year of your passing in April 2006. THE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES!
Sometimes I close my eyes and reminisce, as I remember you begging me to go to the theater with you to see the film "MONA LISA
SMILE" That was in the winter of 2004 and the only reason I was uneasy about going was that I tended to have motion sickness and
feared I would not be able to watch the movie. But you kept at me so I finally agreed and we climbed to the very top to get me as far
away from the screen as possible hoping that would help with the motion sickness I sometimes felt. When the movie first started,
I was not sure if I was going to get adjusted to the movement or not and you kept telling me to close my eyes for awhile and open
them. Eventually I finally got settled down and I was able to watch the movie and really enjoyed the evening out with my daughter.
Of course, there was no way for me to know, I would lose you within a couple of months so there would be no more decisions about
going to any movies and motion sickness. I often think back to that evening and where I parked my car right on the main street just
west of the theater. It was really cold that evening, but I do not remember, for sure, what month it was, maybe January 2004. Another
memory for me to cherish and to think I almost did not go with you that evening. Oh, Kanda, how I miss you, I do so miss you. I just
can't see the pain of missing you ever going away. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!