IN LOVING MEMORY OF KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS

We are connected, my daughter and I,

by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth.

This cord can't be seen by any one on earth.

This cord does it's work, right from the start.

It binds us together, attached to my heart.

I know it's there, though no one can see,

this invisible cord, from my daughter to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord one could create.

It withstands the test, can hold any weight.

And though you're gone, though you're not here with me,

the cord is still there, though no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised.....I am sore,

but this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way.

A mother and child, death can't take it away.

Author unknown

 

 

""Memories""

(MAY 07)

 

 (Kanda would be 34 on May 24th, 2007)

""MEMORIES OF A GRIEVING MOM""

 

 

Three years living without you, I, feeling so strange,

 part of my inner being missing, yet life goes on, I work, eat, sleep,

the exact same as when you were here. I even, for moments of time,

giggle, laugh, forget My Kanda is no longer part of my

earthly life, but then reality sets in, the nightmare is back and I think if only

I could wake up from this nightmare I have been living for 3 years

April 13th, 2007.

IF ONLY, and I feel so sad, so very sad and lost, so exhausted from

wearing the mask, trying to portray that I am moving on,

when I get stuck all the time at the bottom of that deep black pit.

 

 Life is moving on, babies born,  many dying, changes, so many changes,

 just in the 3 years My Kanda has been gone from this earth.

 

You, My Kanda, growing up in Flora, attending school for twelve years,

and a memory of you everywhere I go.

I, your mommy, sitting at the picnic table at The Kiwanis Playground

while pregnant with your bother,writing a letter to a friend

and watching you play, remembering so very well each time 

 driving by that playgroundand I pass it 5 times a week times 4 each day,

counting leaving for lunch on a daily basis and I always think

about that particular day so very long ago. We were having our

second child, you hoping for a sister, your dad hoping for a son, and me,

 well, I just wantedthe birth over, with our beautiful baby in my arms,

 regardless.

 

Julians Restaurant, I, pulling through sometimes to get

cotton candy ice cream, and

I KNOW, I surely don't need it,

but the memory of  you and I sitting inmy car, you in highschool

at the time, probably early years or you would

positively have been driving.  You bought

an ice cream cone.  Coming back from the serving window,

you opened the car door, sit down tipped the cone and the ice cream

fell out of the cone onto your leg. We giggled until we could not breathe.

 You are everywhere, always will be.

Growing up in a small town,

 as long as I have Memory, I will always have and see you

 as I drive to work,leave work before going over the over pass,

 the road, now completely redone, leading West,

that same road I would drive to your house while on lunch hour,

drop in on you, but never wake you, as I did the day we lost you,

if only I had bent down and kissed your forehead,

but I did not want to wake you and, then,

of course, I never saw you awake again, just held you in

 my arms, just you and me, together as we waited for the ambulance,

JUST YOU AND ME.

I GUESS IT WAS MEANT TO BE THAT WAY, FOR ME TO BE THE ONE

TO FIND YOU. JUST ME, MOM.

 

Sometimes, not often, I drive by your house, crazy I guess,

but maybe to reassure myself I am not living

a nightmare, and justmaybe your crafts will be on the porch,

your black Sunfire pulled into the carport

and YOUR white swing, which is hung on our porch now,

hanging on the west side of the car port. I remember trying to

sitin that swing and eat my lunch, never worked,

your outside cats jumped in my lap, nearly

tackled me for my food and they had food in

their bowls at all times, I know as I tried to eat,

that is what I would tell them, "Go away, eat your own food."

 

IT NEVER WORKED, AND I FINALLY GAVE UP TRYING TO

ENJOY MY LUNCH HOUR SWINGING AND EATING

MY LUNCH AT YOUR HOME.

 

But as we all are different in our ways of living, your house

does not look like A KANDA HOUSE,

now, strange as I drive by, only a year and half you lived

there, and not a trace of you is there, except the shutters

you added  from Lowes in Mt Vernon, your dad and I being with you

 when you ordered them. You and I picking those shutters up in my

4 door red Sunfire so we could put the seat down to

transport them back to your house and you paying

a friend from work to put the shutters up for you.

Those shutters are the part of

YOU still there and, of course, the beautiful flowers in the back yard

and most of all, my ""MY MEMORIES.""

 

I know nothing about the inside of the house now

 and never will. When I walked

to my car along with your dad to follow the ambulance,

April 13, 2004, I never entered your home again.

Such painful memories, the loss of you, part of me, my best friend,

confidant,

MY

BEAUTIFUL KANDA,

YOUR LAUGHTER, YOUR GIGGLES,

YOUR WIT

AND

YOUR MOST ANNOYING BLUNTNESS,

I grin at the word,

BLUNTNESS, THINKING, JUST REMEMBERING

how you always seem to shock me.I do believe you planned it that way just

to see the

SHOCKED LOOK ON MY

FACE

WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER.

 

Driving through CHARLEY BROWN PARK,

 memory of years gone by, as I see the playground. Your

great aunts had taken you to play and we had only

been back here a few months so you were 3 years old.

Aunt Kay had found you the neatest coat for

use not only in the winter, but the lining could be removed for warmer

weather and I could not wait to show it to 

you after I had received it by mail.

 

Strangely I feel now, I remember exactly where I parked,

taking out the coat, Aunties and you coming

over to me at the car to see what I had,

you being only 3 years old telling me you liked

the coat, and you were off and running,

playing again.  Aunties and I sitting on the bench,

watching you, visiting and, oh, how I enjoyed the company

of our Aunties because we had lived 200 miles

North for 8 years and you had spend almost

3 years up North, your life.

 

It was fantastic to be home again, living back in our hometown,

knowing we would be raising you in a small town,

it just felt so right.

 

The renewal of life, Springtime and the dandelions

spreading like fire, memories of you picking and picking

dandelions for me, oh, how I wish I had snapped

a photo of the many dandelions I would put in a

vase and display for you, butwe just never think about the

unthinkable, young parents raising children, capturing every

special moment that comes along, how precious those

photos would have become someday, ""today""

(May, of 07,)  your birthday month,

especially since

""MEMORIES ARE ALL THAT ARE LEFT""

 

I never see dandelions that I don't think of you as a beautiful

little girl just gathering and gathering

those most gorgeous flowers,

you felt were growing just for picking to give to

""MOMMY,""

"ME," 

 I, still hearing you say, as you handed me a handful

 of wilted dandelions with

your tiny little hands,

 

"Here Mommy, look how pretty, just for you"

 

Oh Lord, if only I could go back and now take the time to smell

the ROSES, that time I missed out on so

many years ago that is

now

gone forever.

 

Strange as I never go into our bank, but I had left my debit

card in the machine and had to go inside,

prove who I was, even if those employees have known me for years,

but policy and procedures for the customer's protection,

we all know. As I stood by the reception counter,

memories of you sitting there during your co-op days in highschool,

came flooding back, where had all the years gone,

you worked there late 80's,

your 15 year class reunion was Fall of 06

and I, getting older and older,

I am the generation that I thought was really

old when we moved back to Flora in 1976,

now thinking about retirement, when not so long ago,

retirement was so far away,

it never really occurred to me that I would be this close

someday, but as we in my age bracket gripe,

 just not close enough and only because of insurance needs.

 

If only I still had you in my earthly life,

I still hurt so badly, my mind crazy with grief,

the grief is like a plague, always there, never leaves, only for

seconds, minutes at a time, my mind overwhelmed with

THAT MEMORY,

finding you, the disbelief, the shock of it all,

the miracle I prayed for and begged for

""God""

to take me in your place, you had so much life to live,

but it was not to be, just not to be and how

BITTER I HAVE BECOME, but what parent does not say,

WHY MY CHILD????

 

I always had a great comforting feeling as you and I

 were flying down the road in your black

Sunfire, talking, deciding where we would hit first,

 what we would eat, and I always knew your statement

would be,

"And we are not eating at Cracker Barrel,"

and, of couse, very bluntly you always made that statement

because you said I had just burned you out on

Cracker Barrel.

 

We would hit the mall, I, browsing in Penny's,

you in Maurice's, watches,

 I remember you buying a watch, it seemed every time we went to

Effingham and yet, I have

not had the heart to go through your personals,

now allstored in Jerrin's basement.

I would not even begin to know where to look for those watches,

but I do remember being with you the many

timesyou brought so many of them.

Still in a trance I am, when I catch a glimpse of a short young lady,

her hair pulled up in a pony tail, sweats with a stripe down the leg or in

in jeans, I just know it should be you and why can't it be,

why can't I come out of this

 "Twilight Zone"

I have been living in for the past 3 years

 and we just continue on with our lives as we were doing then??

 

Ashley, your niece,

now 3 years older than when you last saw her, 6 years old, 

her 3rd year in school, counting 2 years in pre-k and

this year kindergarten, your sarcasm, your wit,

your bluntness she has your

ALLS,

must be in the genes because it certainly can't be environmental with

you not on this earth.  We just shake our heads

as the words roll out of her mouth, sounding like

our little Kanda many years ago, and our beautiful grown Kanda,

 just a few years back.

 

Aaron, your nephew, now 10 years old, I, remembering the evening

we had Aaron at the Mt Vernon Cracker Barrel when he

was about 3 years old, and yes, I said Cracker Barrel,

( I must have threatened you to eat there)

you asking him his name and even though he told us not to call him

CORKY, he just blurted out the name

""CORKY,""

you and I nearly had a come apart, he, knowing,

the trick he had just pulled on us, grinning from ear to ear, he was.

Memories of you, he has many, as he still guards the

Bunny Rabbit you gave him

for Easter of 04 when he had just turned 7 years old.

and only days before you left us,but for now,

bottled up inside of him, someday,

hopefully he will spring forth and remember

without so much sadness, revealing

those precious times he spent with you.

I, your mom, hoping for that day soon,

to share with him and he to share with me,

 those special times.  I, not knowing all the details,

but many, since Kanda always talked about the fun she had with

her special Aaron,  But, for now,

 I will have to wait on those memories, and wait I will, but I will be ready

when Aaron comes forth remembering his early years with his

special

""Aunt Kanda.""

 

Changes at work, you would not recognize anything,

except when you step into the lobby

All corporate transferred  to the new Corporate building in Paris, Illinois,

just a few now in the office area on the ground floor

Our Flora Departmental phone listing shrinking in size,

unbelievable, renovations of the restrooms,

 what a plus, well the entirerenovation,

new carpet, even in the reception office,

my office.

 

I truly believe my office looks nicer than it ever did

for the past 27 years, but so sad that I can't enjoy the new look,

you coming in about 4:00 PM before shift to chat awhile with

MOM,

instead, I have a beautiful glamor picture

of you to look at from my desk along

with Willow Tree Angels

given to me and you

 by Becky.  She has been adding an angel

since I had the arrangement made with your gorgeous picture.

I, still delivering plant mail,

walking through assembly thinking of you

everyday, 5 days a week.

I can always see you scurrying around,

maybe flopping your arms and head, exercising before shift,

or as I put mail in the East plant boxes,

 I, looking toward the time clock to the

North.  I had seen you so often

walking toward assembly after clocking in,

and there you are, walking in your same steps

 you walked in back then, but only in my mind, only in my mind.

 

I, being the last to leave the front offices at 5:00 PM,

 exisiting through the lobby doors, seeing a black car

reminding me of your SunFire Coupe

and watching a blonde short girl as I park,

 returning from lunch, she walking

South toward the shipping building,

reminding me of those times

 you were in training for something or other,

 I, walking on break, you surprising me,

coming into work earlywalking those same steps to the

training building,I, thinking, as I watched the blonde girl

disappear out of sight,those memories of then,

almost the same as I watched you walk toward the training building,

''TIME AND AGAIN" but now so very different,

because the blonde short girl with the pony tail will never be you,

thinking to myself, I wonder when last I did see you

walk toward the training area, but just can't remember the time frame,

never thought that actual memory would ever be important someday,

if only I could remember

""WHEN""

 

.

Your birthday on May 24th, I mentioned to your dad

only this morning of May 3rd,

remembering what I was doing 34 years ago,

although you were not expected until June 15th,

I was waiting for you, my first baby,

not knowing whether you were a girl or boy,

scared, having my first baby, not knowing,

the not knowing, but I was sure the outcome would be worth all the

pain and

YOU CERTAINLY WERE,

(EVEN IF WE HAD TO GIVE YOU UP AT ALMOST 31 YEARS OLD)

WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE!!!!!!!

A BEAUTIFUL DARK HAIR BABY GIRL

OUR

KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS

NOW,

OUR HEAVENLY ANGEL