I had written
" MOM'S GRIEVING"
April of 2007,
three years after losing
my daughter, my best friend always.
This year of May 2008,
after
again reading
"MOM'S GRIEVING,"
I decided I could write nothing
more moving than
"MOM'S GRIEVING"
so I have changed the music,
""I CAN'T CRY HARD ENOUGH""
(STILL)
after four years living
without
""MY KANDA, MY BEST FRIEND.""
ALSO I HAVE ADDED
KANDA'S BEAUTIFUL PORTRAITS.
Oh Lord, she was so beautiful and
even after four years, still wanting what
I know is impossible, I can't let go of her.
""I WANT HER BACK""
""I JUST CAN'T CRY HARD ENOUGH
""FOR YOU, MY BABY, MY KANDA""
Song lyrics
""I CAN'T CRY HARD ENOUGH""
following
"A MOTHER'S GRIEVING"
KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS
5/24/73 - 4/13/04
""MOM'S GRIEVING""
The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
but it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name!!!
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.
Author Unknown
Kanda Angel Pin
Grieving the death of a child
of any age is purely
indescribable and since the loss of
OUR KANDA,
I,
Kanda's Mom,
feel as though I am on a roller coaster,
one day I am feeling fairly
well as the coaster
has gone upward on the track
and lingered awhile,
but many days the coaster is
stalled at the bottom of the
track for long periods of time,
the deep
black dip of the track that I call
MY DEPRESSION DAYS,
the long journey of pulling myself up
to the top again is
sometimes, almost unbearable,
but I manage to achieve
my goal
as life moves on,
regardless of the pain.
I, again,
struggle, crawling
back up
on the coaster track,
MY SOMEWHAT GOOD DAYS.
Swinging sideways
back and forth
as
seconds, minutes, hours,
days, months,
flow into years,
I, bewildered,
realizing
that I am living my life
without
my daughter,
my best friend,
my first born beautiful
dark haired tiny baby girl
and questions spin
constantly in my mind,
hammering me, pounding me!!!!!
Will I always feel this way,
but yet,
I remember so well,
the shock of losing Kanda,
of
finding
her,
and holding her in my arms
and,
yes,
I have managed to move forward
taking tiny tiny baby steps,
very
tiny steps,
THE
INITIAL SHOCK IS OVER,
but the mourning and grieving
are only beginning
and will go on for many years,
I,
in amazement,
wondering how
I have lived from April 13th, 2004,
(when I thought the world would stop)
to the present time,
now, three years after.
Emotions stirring,
tearing my body to shreds
as I fight back tears
when I know I can't cry,
it is not the place or the
time,
yet when I am safe,
in my car all alone and can let go,
emotions have turned in reverse
and the
tears are not forth coming.
I am floating in air, half crazed,
sometimes dizzy with the madness of
it all, sometimes angry at
God,
myself,
at Kanda
for leaving me,
how very selfish of me because
Kanda
DID NOT HAVE THE CHOICE
TO STAY!!!!
TO STAY OR TO LEAVE.
How difficult it is striving
to express the torture and torment,
the agony of losing one's own child.
Our English
Dictionary
can't even, in any way,
accommodate
a
parent's pain
after losing a child,
There are no words,
just absolutely
NO words
of that kind of
magnitude.
After three
years
of living without my daughter,
my best friend,
I am in denial for
seconds or minutes
of a morning,
a day,
an evening.
I close my eyes and see her face,
I feel her near,
smell her perfume, hear her voice,
feel her Angelic touch,
for less than a second in time.
I grasp for
MORE AND MORE,
WANTING WHAT I CAN'T HAVE,
MY PRECIOUS KANDA,
THE INSANITY OF IT ALL,
I WANT HER BACK.
No two parents grieve and mourn
in the
same manner
after
the death of their child,
but we are all
exhausted,
drained both
physically and mentally,
fighting with all our being against our
excruciating pain,
to get through another
second, minute, hour, another day,
another month,
six months,
a whole year,
sometimes the pain being so
unbearable,
I wonder how my body and mind
can even function
and how
my broken heart
has kept beating during
MY MANY BLACK DEPRESSION DAYS,
crawling
into the dark deep pit of that black hole
I fall into so very often
when the coaster can't climb the track,
swinging sideways
and being
completely
thrown out of
CONTROL OF MY SENSES,
FEELING DEAD INSIDE,
WANTING TO REMAIN DEAD INSIDE.
Anger, confusion, bitterness
also haunt a
parent
after
losing their own child,
we want to understand the
WHY of it ALL,
but we know we never will,
yet we keep trudging along
telling ourselves
"IF WE ONLY KNEW WHY,"
but would
THE KNOWING
WHY
change anything??????
We, as parents, never think
of the unthinkable
as I never
thought I would ever lose
a child
and I could not imagine
how
parents went on with their lives
after giving up
their child,
but
NOW,
I understand how a parent stumbles,
falls to their knees begging,
"Please God,
take me,
and let my child live."
We,
as parents,
would gladly sacrifice our life
for our
child,
if only we could,
IF ONLY.
During my
GRIEF JOURNEY
three years now,
I have taken many roads,
and one very very
important fact that I now
KNOW FOR SURE,
"ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE LOST A CHILD CAN
TRULY UNDERSTAND
WHAT GRIEVING PARENTS
ARE GOING
THROUGH,"
" THE LOSS OF A CHILD STANDS ALONE."
IT IS NUMBER ONE,
THE WORST LOSS OF ALL!!!!
We, grieving parents, continually
surf the internet, or book stores,
FOR THAT ONE SPECIAL
BOOK,
WRITTEN BY AN AUTHOR
WHO,
TOO,
HAS GIVEN UP A CHILD,
BECAUSE WE KNOW,
TO UNDERSTAND THE GRIEF OF
PARENTS,
THE AUTHOR MUST HAVE ALSO
MOURNED AND GRIEVED THE LOSS OF A CHILD.
IT IS THE ONLY TRUTH
FOR US.
THE ONLY TRUTH,
AS
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO
WAY JUST
"ANY"
AUTHOR COULD
POSSIBLY
PUT INTO WORDS WHAT
PARENTS FACE ON THEIR GRIEF
JOURNEY
AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO
FOR YEARS AND YEARS!!!!!!!!!
But, I personally am also very
grateful to
have many close friends who
listen as I talk about Kanda's life,
her childhood,
how tiny her hands and feet
were and it does not matter,
I always know when I want to talk,
even though many of my
friends have not lost a child,
"THANK THE LORD,"
they are always
THERE FOR ME,
JUST TO LISTEN, JUST TO LISTEN,
(THE GREATEST GIFT A FRIEND COULD GIVE)
"TO ME"
A GRIEVING AND MOURNING
MOM,
KANDA'S MOM
Those who wish
to
help the
many who are grieving and mourning
the loss of a child,
""JUST LISTEN, QUIETLY LISTEN""
THE
GREATEST BLESSING
OF ALL!!!
MAY GOD BLESS THOSE
WONDERFUL FRIENDS
WHO ARE WITH US ALWAYS.
We do thank you dearly.
from
OUR BROKEN HEARTS.
Written by Kanda’s Mom
I CAN’T CRY HARD ENOUGH
(LYRICS)
I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast
And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite
There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair
And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now