REMEMBRANCE OF SPRING AND FIFTH ANNIVERSARY
REMEMBRANCE OF SPRING
AND 5TH ANNIVERSARY OF OUR DAUGHTER'S DEATH
School was ending and most days were warm and mild.
During the 50's and 60's, life seemed to be refreshingly calm
and it was normal for us to live together with our Dad and Mom.
But even with Spring teasing us as it struggled to break through,
the temperature could drop and we may see a few snow flakes too.
With Spring came the beauty of colorful tulips and Easter Lilies each year
Winter was leaving and the geenest grass was again beginning to appear.
The buds of trees were ready to burst open into the splendid color of green.
Providing a shelter for all God's creatures, especially the birds singing wonderfully serene.
A precious gift was God sent when I gave birth to my daughter the 24th of May
I had became a mother in this gorgeous month, 1973, what a wonderful day.
April of 2004, brought tragedy that would rock our very own existence
Losing our daughter to an accidental drowning, we now would walk the distance.
The beauty of Spring became very ugly and gray for many years
May is her birthday, but April 13th marks another anniversary as we shed our tears.
As Spring approaches, it remains two fold bittersweet
With the beauty comes the harsh reality we will never defeat.
"THE BEAUTY OF SPRING"
"TWO FOLD BITTERSWEET"
5/24/73 - 4/13/04
Spring Blessing - Spring Heartache
(Picture taken at work, NAL shortly before she left us)
I close my eyes, inhaling the cool fresh breeze as it gently blows against my face, but listening quietly am I, to God's given songs as they begin to fill the silence of winter past, the chattering, chirping of the birds, returning safely home from the warm South.
""Louder and louder"" they make their presence known.
Oops, a tiny peek, again I peek, then opening my eyes completely to the wonderment of sparkling green growing grass emerging from the depths of the earth and at that one moment in time, I feel the soothing warmth of the earthly Spring Sun.
Taken back, I am, reminiscing to the days of old, the many seasons of Spring I have lived through, watching the
""RENEWED LIFE.""
The years of school ending, as the anticipation of those lazy, hazy days of summer grew to the highest level, never changing, always as is, always as was, always the same.
"THE SEASON OF SPRING, "THE RENEWAL OF LIFE."
If only this moment in time could linger on for awhile, relieving and easing my pain, just for the mere moments, please, I am asking for only mere moments in time, but the pain is mine to bear.
After 4 years, familiar am I with this pain, suffering until my chest feels as though it will burst into flames and my head will somehow explode into the air. But this pain is felt only by Bereaved Parents.
Being familiar with the pain causing MY hurt, does not help ease MY hurt.
''ANNIVERSARY TWO FOLD AND BITTERSWEET,"" struggling, holding tightly, grabbing, whirling, ""SOMEWHERE IN TIME,"" am I, but where?
Questioning myself as to how I have kept breathing, my heart beating, now, for 4 long years, and completely facing I must, the horrific truth, this truth in which I still do not want to accept.
I have lived on without my daughter, my best friend, since April 13, 2004.
Unbelievably, remembering I am, witnessing her birth and amazingly I can just shut my eyes, go backward in time, clearly seeing her head crowning with all that dark hair and within only a few seconds, a precious gift from "God," my first born baby, she taking her first breath.
""MY KANDA.""
My tiny 6 pound baby girl placed upon my stomach as the umbilical cord is cut, disconnecting the life I had given her since conception.
At this instant, her new earthly journey begins, this special evening of May 24, 1973.
Embedded in my mind, these memories as though it were only yesterday. ""KANDA"" wrapped gently, snugly in a blanket, after birth and I reach to hold my first born child, checking her out completely. Satisfied am I, she is perfect and absolutely, the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
Of course, she is, she is my baby girl.
But surprisingly, I watch her fixate her eyes on me as though she already knows her Mommy and not more than an hour old.
From that moment on,"" KANDA AND MOM"" were closely bonded for almost 31 years.
May 24, 2008, thirty five years she would have traveled on this earth, but tragedy was to cut short those 35 years and she would not have to bury me, that for which she had always worried.
Her Dad, her Brother and I, her Mom, would have to bury her.
Springtime, annoying are the rainy, gloomy days, as though tears are continuously falling from the ugly overcast sky, refusing to give up and stop, even for awhile.
My own tear drops are tenderly falling from my eyes as we approach the 4th anniversary of losing
"OUR PRECIOUS KANDA."
God gives the earth the rain, changing the dead brown of winter into bursts of indescribable colorful magic.
There is a purpose, not only for the rain, but for my cleansing tears, easing a minuscule of my pain, but for even that, I am grateful.
Beautiful Easter Sunday, the day of April 11th, 2004, our gorgeous, grandchildren, giggling, running in every direction. I remember, I do so very well remember!!
What a wonderful day it was. Seemed as though our
""LIFE WAS PERFECT.""
''CLOSELY BONDED WAS OUR FAMILY, BUT WE WERE ABOUT TO BE THROWN INTO A DEEP DARK HOLE FROM WHICH IT WILL TAKE YEARS TO EMERGE
We felt so blessed having our two children, they growing into fine adults. With loss also comes blessings, our two precious gifts, from our son and our grandchildren's mother.
""OH LORD, WE DO THANK YOU FOR OUR PRECIOUS GRANDCHILDREN.""
I can still see my grandchildren hunting plastic colored eggs, with surprises of yummy miniature chocolate eggs, marshmallow pink and blue bunny candies and best of all, those valuable golden eggs, weighed down with treasures, (coins.)
Our grandchildren, age 7 and 3 1/2 years old the year of 04 and we celebrating our grandson's April 1st, April Fool's, 7th birthday.
Easter on April 11th, 2004, a belated birthday party, for what reason, just does not come to mind.
What a marvelous Easter Sunday, but tragedy, an accident, that we could not have ever imagined in our worst nightmare was nearing, slowly creeping into our lives, awaiting, knocking on Kanda's door, after she returned home from exercise, the afternoon of April 13th, 2004.
This tragic accident, brought on by a clinical seizure, would break our family into a million pieces, fracturing every bone, every breath we took, our every thought, our private whispers and how we would visualize so very differently this world.
""OUR LIVES WERE ABOUT TO CHANGE FOREVER""
"NO SECOND CHANCE TO GO BACK AND PREVENT
OUR KANDA'S ACCIDENTAL DROWNING"
Tuesday afternoon, two days after Easter, "Stop," the world would surely come to an end, but the world continued spinning with our family living in it, being thrusts this way and that, twisting around in every direction, turning upside down, inside out, denying, ""what is"" but always to be, ""what is,"" that which we could never change, as we would continue living only through the motions of life, and never to be who we once were previously to the horrible tragic accident the afternoon of April 13th, 2004.
Mountain size holes in our hearts and souls, never to be healed.
We praying for the easing of this horrific excruciating pain, but broken hearts will remain broken, especially as Spring approaches each year.
"THE BEAUTY OF SPRING, TWO FOLD BITTERSWEET"
No earthly life for our daughter, our blessing, given to us this beautiful season in the month of May, and now forever, again I say,
"TWO FOLD BITTERSWEET"
Four years without our 30 year old daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. She was as unique and special as her name, ""KANDA,"" the name given to her, by Mom.
We go on because life goes on.
Life just keeps moving forward as it always has, changing continuously, but these past 4 years have been the toughest years we have ever had to live through.
A part of our family is missing. Buried with ""OUR PRECIOUS KANDA,"" are our souls and our hearts,
We have fallen, crawled, screamed, begged, prayed, cried until no more tears would come, but life is still all the same.
We must go forward. learning to live without our
""KANDA.""
No bouquets of flowers, her favorite, and bunches of pastel Spring colored balloons, also indeed yes, that special Mylar ""HAPPY BIRTHDAY"" balloon, playing the delightful tune of ""HAPPY BIRTHDAY,"" we her family would always send to her work, in the beautiful month of May, the day of the 24th
Since we lost Kanda only 5 weeks prior to her 31st birthday, this year of 08 is the 5th birthday she has not lived on this earth.
2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, to the present 2008, we visit""OUR KANDA"" in the cemetery on her birthday.
Maybe something special for her grave, or maybe we just sit on her bench, blowing bubbles into the Heavens, and if we are very quiet, remaining as still as as possible, listening with all our ears open and right in tune, we may faintly hear those fabulous and contagious
""KANDA GIGGLES,""
Written by mom, through tearful eyes,
March 2008
"TWO FOLD BITTERSWEET"
"" MISSING YOU, MY PRECIOUS CHILD""
""SENDING WHISPERS OF LOVE TO ETERNITY.""
IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED DAUGHTER,
SISTER, AUNT, NIECE, COUSIN, FRIEND
KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS
MAY 24, 1973 - APRIL 13, 2004
