""Special Valentine Birthday Memories""
In Loving Memory of my daughter,
""KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS""
May 24, 1973 - April 13, 2004
Valentine Angel pin with birthstones
of May and February
Daughter/Mother
Kanda's mom, that would me,
was born on
Valentine's Day
in 1949,
(now you know my age,)
and over the years,
believe me when I say
I have blown out more
burning candles
of
various styles and colors, then I could ever
imagine, and my
""HAPPY VALENTINE BIRTHDAY""
burning
candles were
naturally placed yearly on
a""Heart Shaped Cake.""
I, becoming an adult, a bit embarrassing,
this common ritual since childhood,
but still appreciative with this gesture and
thoughtfulness of my family, most assureadly.
As the years flew by,
my
Valentine Birthday Celebration
would take
"A" twist and "A" turn,
changing drastically,
especially with grown children,
because
(MY)
lovely grown daughter,
Kanda,
thought her MOM,
(that would be me again,)
I
having been born on Valentine's Day,
had the greatest birthday of all
because
VALENTINE'S DAY
symbolized
""SWEETHEART DAY""
AND
""ROMANTIC LOVE
WITH GORGEOUS
RED ROSES""
Kanda, each year, franactially collecting
from her brother and dad,
the
urgently
needed money, surprising me
with a gorgeous
Valentine Birthday Arrangement
at work, a yearly given, the day before
Valentine's Day.
Because working as a Receptionist,
after many years of helping
distribute
the numerous
Valentine Day Arrangements
our company so very willingly accepted for
all employees,
approximately 70 to 80 arrangements,
I
decided,
my clouded memory serving me not well
as to when and what year,
to generously donate this special day to my
""LUCKY""
Receptionist Replacement,
and
a full day of vacation for my
Valentine Birthday,
would be all
""MINE""
and
hopefully,
a vacation day with me, Kanda
and
We
welcoming a few friends,
the more the merrier,
OUR MOTTO,
that is to say
""KANDA'S AND MY MOTTO""
All aboard, we,
for many years,
Kanda, good friend/friends
and
I
rolling out of the driveway,
early
Valentine's Day morning,
nervously anticipating
a day of mysterious events, an adventure,
deciding
when, what and where,
but only
as the day gradually sailed along.
We, easily flowing with this special day,
great tradition,
a tradition of good years
with good friends.
I truly cherishing and thanking God
for the many precious, past, amazing,
creative memories,
My Kanda, Christy, Carol
and
good friends have graciously given to me.
Unfortunately and tragically,
the year of 2003, Feburary 14, Friday,
would be the last
""MOM'S SPECIAL
VALENTINE'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION,""
but Kanda, her best friend, 
Christy, I loving Christy like a daughter,
their precious gift to me, a lasting memory,
a memory made in February of 2003,
never to be again.
The best birthday I had ever experienced
and
priceless this birthday
as it was my
last
celebration with
"MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER,"
we three being together,
Christy, My Kanda and me,
"Mom."
Christy driving my car, familiar with
St Louis, Missouri
since she had worked in the area as an RN.
We cramming in two day's worth of
"SUMPTUOUS FUN"
into only a day, a miracle in itself,
as though it was meant to fall
into perfect place
and
falling into perfect place,
this particular
day
most certainly it would.
But to my disappointment,
NO PHOTOS.
Never would I have given thought to photos;
afterall,
there would always be more birthdays, right?
Don't we assume?
So why bother and Kanda really preferred
and
I do honestly
MEAN
""REALLY PREFERRED"
"NO PHOTOS,"
no doubt.
She would have shot me.
Well,
maybe not quite that
brutal,
but I would have heard
about the photos,
certainly,
I knowing my own daughter,
well
she, my best friend,
""MY PRECIOUS KANDA.""
What a wonderful day, relaxing was I,
in the
back seat of my car, listening
to
Kanda, Christy talking, giggling,
realizing they too
were
looking forward to our outing.
Rainy weather, but mild, and
Christy
my driver, she
""DRIVING MS DIANNA""
as in
(DRIVING MS DAISY,)
everywhere and anywhere for
MY selfish enjoyment.
Selecting a unique restaurant, Christy,
herself familiar with,
but Kanda and I never having heard of,
no huge surprise, we being from Flora, Illinois,
city of 5000.
I can still smell and taste the wonderful meal.
Ashamed am I, somewhat,
after we three eating like pigs,
barely walking back to the car,
but relief, onward marching,
more shopping and running for our afternoon,
providing our
desperately needed exercise
after all the great food.
Feeling as though
we may not
be eating again for,
at least a week,
well maybe a day sounds more
logical.
Exhausted as the day ended,
was I, were we,
but what a day.No words compensating,
"TREASURES IN MY HEART,"
Tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat,
I reminiscing back to that
precious memory we
three created on one special day,
especially now,
January 15th of 2008
because our
Kanda would leave suddenly in April 2004,
almost four years ago.
Since Kanda was unable to obtain a
vacation day
on
February 13, 2004,
my dear friend,
Carol,
also celebrating her birthday
February 2nd,
and I,
together,
enjoyed that lovely day.
Even though the weather was quite bitterly cold,
taken back into another century,
eating in a Victorian Tea House,
we tasting, deliciously,
""Strawberries in a Puff,""
these
Memories,
we,
Carol and I, forever holding dear.
This day of February 13, 2004, was to be my last
Valentine Birthday Celebration.
Drifting along, the day passing,
running in and from
many antique and craft shops,
we,
on a mission of our very own,
Carol and I.
Discovering and investigating a quaint town,
very interesting this small city,
with a
small winery and art gallery,
but we
""REALLY""
were very good, and
did not sample any of the wine,
believe it or not!!!
I have often thought about that
Friday of
February 13th, 2004
as my dear friend, Carol, and I were relaxing,
visiting, browsing, and the horrific grief to
follow within two months.
Never could I have
imagined that my daughter,
the
future horror we would be facing as
Kanda,
would leave us
exactly 2 months later to that one particular day,
as life was beginning to renew,
Spring bursting out in nature's colorful
blooms,
the smell of freshness in the breeze,
but the death of our
daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter,
cousin and friend,
would forever change the meaning of Spring,
FOREVER,
and forever change everything in
our lives.
How could
we,
Kanda's family,
again, in our life time,
look forward to the renewal of life
with the approaching of Spring
each year. April marking another year,
we having endured living our lives,
incompletely,
without our precious Kanda,
no answer,
no earthly answer ever to be.
"DATES,"
HOW THEY NOW SEEM TO HAUNT ME.
I continuously
wondering,
if a certain event happened
BEFORE or AFTER
my daughter, Kanda's death.
What difference could it possibly make,
I do ask myself,
but for some odd reason,
it matters to me,
even after almost 4 years.
Friday, February 13th, 2004,
my birthday,
the 14th, Saturday,
I always taking a vacation day,
prior to,
if my birthday was on a weekend.
Kanda would slip away,
from her earthly life as it was,
forever, leaving her family,
we,
and all who love her,
in the afternoon,
just 2 months later, the 13th, April 2004,
to the exact day, the 13th, February 2004,the birthday celebration day
we,
Carol and I,
enjoyed a marvelous lunch at the
OLD VICTORIAN TEA HOUSE.
Now in January 2008, going back in time,
to February 13th, 2004,
the 'ME' then,
never I, Kanda's proud mom,
to be again.
The nightmare evening of April 13, 2004
changing, not only me,
but our entire family, friends and our lives forever.
Losing our own child,
I,
Mom, alone,
finding my own child already gone,
regardless of age,
Kanda, 5 weeks from her 31st birthday,
part of thy own self gone,
the best part of me,
since 2004,
remaining with my daughter,
""MY KANDA,."She had the most unsual ability
to bring out the best in me,
her Mommy.Gone is the part of me that is
""of having fun, of feeling great joy in life,""
but now feeling only numbness as life continues,
almost 4 years now, spinning around me,
I periodically out of control, out of my own body.
The huge
""HOLE IN MY HEART""
always remaining,
the emptiness indescribable.
Only bereaved parents,
of course,
truly understand
the heartache of bereaved parents
and
my heartache as a bereaved mother,
missing my daughter, my best friend to a point
of unbelievable insanity.
Today is
January 15th, 2008.
I thinking back to the years
of making plans in
January,
for my
Valentine's Day Birthday,
celebration.
The mystic fun of it all,
but now working
I will be,
and
a year older,
wishing for retirement.
(another story in itself.)
No more celebrations, or
interest in birthday outings,
am I, presently
remembering how wonderful those outings were,
from past celebrations,
but now the dead ache of my
broken heart, never to be mended,
praying to our God Almighty,
someday, enjoying I will,
""SPECIAL VALENTINE BIRTHDAY MEMORIES.""
Written by Kanda's Mom
In her Memory,
January 15, 2008
My Kanda, My best friend
Kanda Michelle Jacobs
May 24, 1973 - April 13, 2004