IN LOVING MEMORY OF KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS

We enjoyed sharing our Kanda Coca Cola Tree

 with

 all our friends and a special

thank you to Berdella

McGrew for putting the final touches on Kanda's

Tree and to Margie Moore for setting up the

 computerized

pictures with the decription to

complete OUR KANDA COCA COLA TREE.

To everyone else, thank you so much

  for accepting our special invitation to stroll

through the FESTIVAL OF TREES during this

 holiday season

of 2005.  If you do not see yourself

in any of these pictures, do not worry

as Jack filmed from the time the door opened

until it was locked,

 so we have everyone who

 attended this wonderful gathering on film.

AGAIN WE THANK YOU.

After Bedella viewed these pictures, she realized she had also

 taken a picture of Kanda's Coca Cola Tree and

what a great picture, showing the picture with decription

 and tree standing in the Coke Wagon.

Again, thank you Berdella for this great picture.

"JOYS, YEARS, TEARS, FEARS"

"REMEMBRANCE OF CHRISTMAS PAST"

 

written by Mom

2007

Our 4th Christmas without our

daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend

"KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS"

IN LOVING MEMORY

(May 24, 1973 - April 13, 2004)

 

""REMEMBERING CHRISTMAS PAST""

Preparations for Christmas, Christmas Programs,

 Traditional Christmas Tree,

(our tree, a story all it's own, later)

The "YUMMY GOODIES"

and Christmas Feast,

but most importantly, 

"SO I THOUGHT BACK THEN,"

forgetting entirely

"THE REASON FOR THE SEASON,"

""CHRISTMAS GIFTS.""

 As my mind reminisces back those many years ago,

 ashamed am I,

Kanda's Mom, seemingly, we, during our busy years,

raising our children, working full time jobs,

constantly running with Kanda and Jerrin,

burning the tires off our vehicles as we

lived in a rural area out of the city limits,

 thrown into the hustle, bustle of the holiday rush,

 not only concerned about money

and our children's Christmas presents,

 but also funding  for the preparations

 of Christmas Dinner,

with our

guests, many family members and friends.

 

Saddened, guilty am I,

slipping away was the meaning of Christmas,

"THE REASON FOR THE SEASON"

from Christmas to Christmas,

  and most assuredly,

all my excuses are completely worthless.

"""CHRISTMAS DAY IS THE CELEBRATION

 OF THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST."""

 

""OUR CHRISTMAS TREE PAST""

So very well I remember the

"Sprayed Fake Snow

Covered Green Spruce Christmas Tree"

during our kids' childhood years.

""THIS TREE""

every year, shed an abundance of fake snow

that

still, to this very day,

 mysteriously (possibly cob webs,) floats around our home,

 maybe as a reminder of those past wonderful

Christmas years, 

 with our young children.  Continually  flaking,

our tree,

especially as the kids and I would assemble,

 making sure all the correct length

 branches were in place,

lights stretched out for hanging,

 while the aggravating flying fake snow,

annoying,

as it was sighted floating in air,

even after the tree was stable,

adorned with beautiful colorful miniature lights,

ornaments of old and new,

Twas "HEAVENLY GLOWING,"

our gorgeous

""SNOW COVERED GREEN SPRUCE CHRISTMAS TREE.""

 

But not forgetting, of course,

yearly, the new hand made artistic school ornaments.

 I knowing from the

"GET GO,"

these magnificent ornaments,

Kanda and Jerrin,

naturally competitors, older sister/younger brother rivalry,

( tackling me, Mom, as they raced, shoving,

pushing,

 the "FRONT SEAT" of my car,

"THEIR PRIZE,"

sound familiar?)

no mistake,

 'MIDDLE, FRONT AND CENTERED' 

on the tree,

each master piece had to be.

 

An argument, traditionally each year as

 I, toiling vigorously,

attempting to work out a system,

appeasing both children, assuring them,

their ornaments were the

""BEST"" of all and would be placed

"MIDDLE, FRONT AND CENTERED"

 in all their glory,

these beautifully hand crafted ornaments

 perfectly made,

proudly by my children's tiny fingers and

hands, 

but mostly side by side, they would

hang on the tree,

the ornaments so closely connected

 as neither

Kanda or Jerrin would give,

not one tiny inch.

If only I had taken some photos,

IF ONLY!!!

 

"THIS, OUR CHRISTMAS TREE PAST"

But there will be another story about

"OUR CHRISTMAS TREE RETIRED,"

"CHRISTMAS (GIFTS) PAST"

Yearly, during the Christmas season,

the usual game,

 Kanda and Jerrin

had started since the tree would be in full swing,

lit up with a lovely glow, they,

after riding home

 on

the school bus,

noticing a few gifts had started to

arrive under the

 Christmas tree,

 competition to the maximum,

how disturbing,

counting their gifts faithfully, daily,

 making sure each had the exact same number of

gifts,

the dollar amount in each treasured

 wrapped package absolutely

meant nothing,

"IMPORTANCE ONLY,"

equal number of gifts, so after the problem with

the delightful hand crafted school

Christmas ornaments,

and the arrangement on the tree decided,

 by none other than   

  'MOM,"  of course,

 the counting ritual continued

 ""IMMEDIATELY ""

as now, more gifts appeared under the tree.

""PRIORITY,""

equal number of packages.

Shaking, Listening, Rubbing

and Feeling ever so gently their surprise packages,

as though they had

 "MAGICAL POWER"

and with just a mere touch of their tiny fingers

could identify the contents of the

"" MYSTERIOUS PRESENT.""

 

Smiling am I, but through my tears, remembering

so very well

the war raging on until

""Christmas Eve.""

 

Finally, while our children were nestled all

snug in their beds,

 an expected visitor, he with that familiar

twinkle in his eye, spring in his quiet step,

 ""SANTA CLAUS""

 had arrived,

delivering more

 wondrous packages,

deliberately mixing those rare and unique

 Elf made

Santa gifts,

 amongst all the personal

 Daddy/Mommy gifts, giggling to himself,

Proudly he knew he had just pulled

off the greatest trick of all,

HO! HO! HO!

 

Snickering and Snickering, did I, Mom, overwhelmed but

thrilled as the

 ""FUN WOULD SOON BEGIN AND BEGIN IT DID.""

 

As our children awoke,

with imaginative anticipation,

 their first shocked sight,

Santa's packages,

 hysterically,

 they,

 trying to count packages

getting them in

 order,

eventually giving up.

They, hearts ticking and racing,

 not being able to withstand the suspense any longer and 

with trembling hands, eyes wide open,

ripping and tearing

until exhausted,

still,

"BEWARE"

watching  each other confirming

 their own presents were

unwrapped, only by them,

and not

 mistakenly by their

 other/ meaning,

 "SIBLING."

 

Excited were they,

finally the counting had stopped,

 ""THANK THE LORD,""

although,

the ritual of counting had been given

a huge effort,

but an impossiblity,

overwhelmed with curiosity

 as to what could secretly be hidden in the

wrapped 4 sided,

bottom and top boxed treasures,

our

"loving young children were."

 

 

""OUR OLD CHRISTMAS TREE PAST AND RETIRED"'

"Our Christmas Tree Past and Retired,"

bringing many years of

enjoyment to our young

children,

as they grew into young adulthood,

 "OUR OLD CHRISTMAS TREE"

shed more and more of it's fake sprayed snow,

 scars of getting old, it's branches,

once a

beautiful

 green spruce tree covered with

magnificent sparkling snow,

 but now

 becoming more a spruce

 green color,

almost as though the old tree was

crying andweeping the snow away,

pondering, wondering

 if those many years serving our family

in which the tree had

very distinctively and graciously

 given so much beauty,

 fun, comfort

but stood firmly through all the turmoil,

 tormentingly being blamed

for the fake snow particles in the entire house,

being nudged,

 poked,

 accidentally rammed,

heads butting up under the tree,

 pushing hard as our

 children

tore open gifts for many years,

disassembled, reassembled,

stored, hidden in a dark box our tree, each year,

 except

a couple of weeks in December when the

""OLD TIMER""

 could make it's debut and what a

""GLORIOUS DEBUT""

 

Seems the

GENTLE OLD TIMER CHRISTMAS TREE,  

appearing now with a final salute, deserved retirement.

 

After all the many memorable moments this

Old Timer Christmas Tree

had witnessed throughout the years as our

young children grew up, the best memory of all,

Santa's chuckle

as he warmed himself, 

ate his cookies and drank his milk,

fueling his body for those cold snowy

 Christmas Eve night deliveries

 as away he would fly in his sleigh

with all his reindeer.

THE PRESENCE OF "SANTA MEMORIES" WILL

 ALWAYS BELONG TO OUR

GENTLE OLD RETIRED CHRISTMAS TREE,

this comforting tree, generously

giving to us, our children, family and friends,

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR,

We, remembering forever,

""OUR HEAVENLY SPARKLING SNOW COVERED

GREEN SPRUCE CHRISTMAS TREE.""

AND FOREVER IN OUR BROKEN HEARTS,

OUR KANDA MICHELLE,

ALWAYS YOUNG, ALWAYS 30.

 

As I am finishing my Christmas Memories,

through my tears, my future fears, years 

 now in 2007,

living my life without out my daughter, my Kanda,

since April of 2004,

the stories of

 "CHRISTMAS PAST,"

 BLEEDING AND HURTING IS MY HEART,

 going back, if only I could,

living through those great years,

doing it all over again, but appreciatively,

stopping momentarily and smelling the roses

along the way,

no griping from me,

MOM,

as the

 ""FAKE SNOW FLAKES COVER MY ENTIRE HOME,

CHRISTMAS ONLY COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.""

Pausing, each and every day, admiring our

 ""GORGEOUS SNOW COVERED

CHRISTMAS TREE," 

I would,

this tree

in all it's GLORY,

standing tall and proud,

 also

enjoying the beauty of the colorful lights,

remembering, not only the history of the old ornaments,

but those previously hand made, by my precious

children, school ornaments. 

 

Purchasing

 new ornaments

each year, changing tradition, approaching the

unknown as never before,

 adding a taste of mystery, a twist and

 hinting just a bit,

 as to which ornaments I may select

creating a

magnitude of suspense, I would and will,

NOW.

 

SLIPPING AWAY,

THE REASON FOR THE SEASON,

THE BIRTH OF

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR,

"JESUS CHRIST,"

NEVER WOULD I, AGAIN, FORGET

WHY WE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

 

 

""CHRISTMAS  2007""

 

"REMEMBRANCE OF CHRISTMAS PAST"

Written by Dianna Jacobs, Mom

Our 4th Christmas,

In Memory of our daughter, sister, aunt,

Mom and Dad

Brother, Jerrin

Nephew, Aaron and Niece, Ashley

OUR

KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS

5/24/73 - 4/13/04

 

 

""AFTER CHRISTMAS BARGAINS""

""MOTHER/DAUGHTER RITUAL""

""NEW YEAR 2008""

""IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER AND BEST FRIEND""

"KANDA MICHELLE JACOBS"

""May 24, 1973 - April 13, 2004""

""WRITTEN BY MOM, 12/07""

""KANDA'S MOM4EVER AND KANDA4EVER 30""

 

MY BROKEN HEART, CRAZED, WHO AM I,

ONCE AGAIN, THE DREADED HOLIDAY SEASON,

 MY 4TH SINCE THE LOSS OF

""MY DAUGHTER, MY SPECIAL KANDA,

MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER.""

 

BUT ALSO, NEVER WILL I FORGET,

""THE REASON FOR THE SEASON,""

THE CELEBRATION OF THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR,

""JESUS CHRIST,""

THIS CHRISTMAS OF 2007.

 

GRIEVING FOR YOU, KANDA, THE PAIN SO INTENSE,

THE WONDERMENT OF IT ALL, THE STRUGGLING,

WEARING MY MASK AT CHRISTMAS AND,

TO BE HONEST,

WEARING IT ALL YEAR,

AS IF MY FAMILY WERE COMPLETE,

MY DIFFICULTIES, THE HUMBLE SUFFERING,

AS I CHOKE BACK THE BURNING TEARS EACH CHRISTMAS,

MOST EVERY DAY,

THE FLASH BACKS, VISIONS OF YOU, AMAZINGLY SO REAL,

YOUR CONTAGIOUS LAUGHTER,

LISTENING VERY QUIETLY, I DO.

AND YOUR

 "KANDA MICHELLE SMILE,"

YOU AS A YOUNG GIRL, YOU A LOVELY YOUNG LADY,

AND BLEEDING IS MY HEART,

ASKING WILL I ALWAYS FEEL AS I DO NOW,

BUT IN MY BROKEN HEART, I, KNOWING, FOR SURE,

THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION.

 

""NEW YEAR'S TRADITION""

Between Christmas and New Year's Day,

vacation for Kanda and me,

as our company would shut down during the holidays,

AND

time was for the taking and grab it we did.

 

Remembering the Christmas of 2003

and into the New Year of 2004,

burning the roads in every direction,

to other cities, within a 100 mile radius,

during the bitter cold,

blowing winds

of the holiday winter days,

 frosty weather,

along with snow and off we would go,

THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER

 bargain shoppers,

our speciality, ""CRACKER BARREL,""

but,

""remembering when this tradition started,""

I can't say I do,

 collecting ornaments, those rare Coca Cola ornaments,

of course,

 as Kanda was a avid Coca Cola collector.

 

Did I mention

Cracker Barrel???

Well, enjoying a nice home cooked country meal

after we had toiled vigorously, fiercely

for what seemed like hours, sitting on the floor,

standing at the middle,

also reaching to the very top

 of the many ornament racks, desperately,

 positively seeing every ornament,

not easily accomplished for us at 5', as we both stood, short,

 but mighty, being on an important mission,

 going through the ornaments from the

Elegant,

                                   to the Country Styles

and The Oldies,

but, Kanda's eye always on the Coca Cola ornaments

 for her new Coca Cola tree,

that which she only set up one time in December, 2003.

 

But oh how I loved the oldies,

 those ornaments taking me

back to my long ago childhood

""Christmas Memories,""

but most importantly, forgetting

""NEVER,""

our precious

""HEART TUGGERS""

their kid ornaments,

my darling grandchildren, Aaron and Ashley,

 Kanda's nephew and niece,

a place in her heart she carries them for all eternity.

 

KANDA WOULD NOT BE WITH US

 THE CHRISTMAS OF 2004 AND THE NEW YEAR OF 2005,

 AND OUR TRIP IN SEARCH OF THE MOST MAGNIFICENT

GRAND ORNAMENTS, AND THE UNIQUE RAREST OF ALL,

THOSE COCA COLA ORNAMENTS.

 

THE AFTER CHRISTMAS RUSH OF 03

AND

NEW YEAR OF 04 WOULD BE OUR

LAST GIGGLING, LAUGHING SO HARD,

 WE COULD BARELY

STAND UP, FREEZING OUR BUNS,

AS WE WOULD RUN INTO THE STORES,

WAS NEVER TO BE AGAIN ON THIS EARTH,

IF ONLY I COULD HAVE KNOWN,

""THE LAST AND THE ONLY,""

CHRISTMAS BARGAIN HUNTING,

WE WOULD EVER SPEND TOGETHER,

WAS THE ENDING YEAR OF

2003

AND THE NEW YEAR OF

2004.

 

OUR ORNAMENT SELECTIONS,

THOSE SPECTACULAR ORNAMENTS,

WHAT WE SURELY NEEDED AND WANTED,

BUT THEN THOSE WE HAD TO GIVE UP

 AND

LEAVE BEHIND ON THE RACK,

TAKING 

MUCH NEEDED TIME,

OUR DECISION WAS CRUCIAL.

AS I THINK BACK,

SMILING BUT THROUGH MY TEARS, I AM.

 

LOSING A CHILD, REGARDLESS OF AGE,

IS INDESCRIBABLE.

THOSE OF US WALKING

THIS

GRIEF JOURNEY,

MOURNING AND GRIEVING

IN OUR OWN WAY.

OUR DISCOVERY WE KNOW NOW 

HOW WE LIVE ON WITHOUT A PART OF OURSELF,

OUR CHILD.

 

BUT WE ALL HAVE THE SAME BOND,

 THAT BOND, WE WISH WE DID NOT HAVE TO CARRY

WITH US THROUGH THE

REMAINDER OF OUR LIVES ON THIS EARTH.

""THE WORST LOSS OF ALL""

OUR CHILD OR CHILDREN.

 

Changed forever,

yes I am, in so many ways since

Kanda's death on April 13, 2004,

AND shopping trips do not interest me in any way,

""AS MATERIAL ITEMS ARE MEANINGLESS,""

Staying home is fine with me,

I really prefer to be at home as any where else.

 

I NO LONGER HAVE MY SHOPPING PARTNER IN CRIME,

AND, OF COURSE,

""CRIME""

USED ONLY AS A TERM IN

""MY MEMORIES OF OUR FUN TOGETHER.""

SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY,

NOT RESISTING THE FABULOUS BARGAINS,

"" OUR CRIME FOR SURE.""

 

Approximately one hundred CHRISTMAS ornaments,

with a story and year attached to EACH of them,

stored away in my son, Kanda's brother, Jerrin's basement.

I, Kanda's mom, knowing not, or caring where,

Jerrin finally giving up, he knowing,

 I will not go through Kanda's personal, only 

in my own time.

 

Maybe one day in the future,

I will find comfort in locating our

assortment of ornaments

and as I feel

""MY ANGEL, KANDA'S PRESENCE,""

reminisce, I will, as I venture into the wide magic of

""THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER""

ornament collection with all our fun memories,

Kanda and I crawling, standing,

reaching,

 making sure we viewed every

single 

ornament on the bargain racks.

 

Existing from day to day, my

""ONLY""

goal to achieve at the present,

finding not much joy in life,

that is how I live today, as a part of me,

Kanda's Mom,

is buried with her, she with the very best part of me.

 

""I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR KANDA,

 IF ONLY I COULD, I WOULD.""

Written by Dianna, Kanda's Mom (December 2007)

""In My Kanda's Memory""

""MOTHER/DAUGHTER RITUAL

AFTER CHRISTMAS BARGAINS""

 

Kanda Life and Death, click below

http://www.kandamjacobs.com/capril132004.htm

 

Pictured below is Kanda's Coca Tree.

Christmas of 2003 and the only year she

displayed this tree as she was not with

us Christmas of 2004.

I, Kanda's Mom, displayed her Coca Cola Tree in

our Festival of Trees, 2005

in Flora, Illinois

Photo by Berdella McGrew